A Food Blogger’s Piece of Very Unsolicited Advice: You Must Grate Cheese By Hand
What the box grater lacks in Food Network endorsements, it more than makes up for in brutish efficiency.
Dearest Foodies,
I hope this Instagram tag finds you well. As my fans “The Babybels” already know, my syndicated Cheese Master column was recently phased out, but I’ve found solace from critiquing hundreds of thousands of amateur recipes. That’s where you come in! It’s #CheeseMasterClass day!
Here’s my trade secret: YOU MUST GRATE CHEESE BY HAND.
Yes, you will sacrifice a chunk of skin while grating cheese. And despite your best effort at identifying and discarding the skin bit, you will inadvertently ingest said skin. But self-cannibalism is worth it!
We don’t need science to tell us that grated cheese tastes better than even the most thinly sliced cheese. However, if you’re a stickler for facts, the scientific reason grated cheese tastes better is due to increased surface area. So, get to grating! By hand! With a box grater!! Yes, the one that costs $4.99 and is terrifyingly sharp!!!
Do you doubt that this sadistically designed kitchen tool can’t handle grating a 40 oz. slab of family sized sharp cheddar? Silly you. What the box grater lacks in Food Network endorsements it more than makes up for in brutish efficiency. Now grate!
Concerned about your recently trimmed fingernails? That without those overgrown white crescents, one hasty grate could permanently damage your nail bed? How sad :(
Now, take hold of that hulking cheese! I don’t care that you can barely grasp this unctuous block of glory!! KEEP THE CHEDDAR STEADY!!!
Sorry, no, you cannot bypass grating cheese by hand with the aid of a food processor attachment. Don’t embarrass yourself by uttering “KitchenAid.” I mean, who do you think you are? The Barefoot Contessa? Ina Garten has a team of highly skilled appliance aficionados to assemble those elaborate KitchenAid accessories. BUT YOU ARE YOUR OWN KITCHEN AID!
Fine, go ahead, buy that $59.99 shredder attachment. Just know that you will have to follow an incredibly challenging sequence of events. If you diverge even slightly from the instructions, no cheese will be grated. If you neglect to apply the perfect amount of force when clamping the shredder attachment into the indiscernible internal locking grooves, no cheese will be grated. And when you finally perform each step with technical accuracy, still no cheese will be grated. No one knows why — it’s one of many cheese enigmas!
To distract yourself from the inevitable box grater bloodshed, concentrate on how insanely delectable Potatoes Au Gratin would taste (see link in bio for my approved recipe list). Lesser cheese enthusiasts may think it unwise to risk sepsis in order to obtain a high-quality grate that French recipes necessitate, but if you ask me, cheesy potatoes are totally worth the impending self-butchery.
Umm, no, you absolutely cannot purchase a bag of pre-grated cheese. Are you high? Because maybe you should be, to take the edge off, box grater injuries and all.
Back to that pre-grated crap — NO!!! It’s covered in preservatives, which hinders melting. Also, are you aware of the convenience charge related to pre-grated cheese? Cheese is expensive enough! Don’t be such a curd!! What are you, a baron? A cheesemonger with fringe dairy product discounts? Yeah, I didn’t think so.
If I had a magic wand, I would alter human taste buds so that a lump of cheese tasted as good as a tiny shred of cheese, I would make kitchen appliance attachments accessible to laypeople, I would make it possible for preservative-infested pre-grated cheese to melt as evenly as hand-grated cheese. Hell, if I had the authority, I’d make you a wealthy cheese baron and title you Von Fromager.
But a magic wand I have not. Enough of this “I don’t want to introduce cheese bacteria in my open wounds and risk hand amputation” delusion. Honestly, I just want the best cheese experience for you. I demand it.
Warmly,
@YourOwnPersonalCheeseMaster_01
P.S. Make sure your Tetanus vaccine is up to date!
Katherine Shaw (she/her) is a writer living in the Pacific Northwest despite her ample serial killer anxiety. Published in The Belladonna Comedy, Points in Case, Slackjaw, Jane Austen’s Wastebasket, Greener Pastures Magazine, and more. Catch her latest oddities on Twitter/IG @daclassybiatch.
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