If Relationships Were Breakfast Cereals, How Many Of Your Exes Were Off-Brand Boyfriends?

Frosty & Flaky: His emotional state fluctuates wildly from disinterest to outright contempt.

Photo by Luke Jones on Unsplash

1. Smiley-Os: You can’t pinpoint what’s wrong. He seems like such a nice guy! He gets along with everyone! He voted for Clinton, both times! Are your avoidant attachment issues making something out of nothing? But…he never stops smiling. Ever. It’s unsettling. Sometimes you wake up in the middle of the night and swear he’s smiling at you in the dark.
2. Especially K: He says the only drug he needs is your love, but he sure does a lot of ketamine.
3. Prune Flakes: Who says Patriarchy ain’t sexy? Don’t be ageist! There’s no reason to not date a man old enough to be your great-grandfather. What’s hotter than making sure your dearly d̶e̶p̶a̶r̶t̶e̶d̶ beloved eats his daily recommended amount of fiber?! Caretaking just so happens to be your kink and it’s only mostly because you’re a woman.
4. White Crispies: Yeah, turns out he was definitely a white supremacist.
5. Frosty & Flaky: His emotional state fluctuates wildly from disinterest to outright contempt, but he’s slightly more predictable than your alcoholic step-fathers. (Hey ma, look who’s breaking generational curses!) Netflix & chill takes on a whole new meaning as you watch American Psycho alone with the door unlocked, in case he stops by.
6. Coocoo Pebbles: Claims his ex-wife is unbalanced. Swears his second ex-wife is absolutely unhinged. When asked if he simply hates women, he pleads the Fifth.
7. 99% Shredded Wheat Wholes: Sure, he talks about macronutrients 49% of the time and spends the other 50% suggesting how intermittent fasting could help you burn 10 lbs. But you’re not actually listening because he never wears shirts and his abs pulsate you into erotic hypnosis.
8. Trixxx: Spends the entirety of his paycheck tipping freshly-legal women dressed in bunny costumes. Worst part — he doesn’t take the hint that you’d gladly tag along, seeing as how you own a perfectly accurate Fievel Mousekewitz outfit from last Halloween. Pfft! You too can appreciate the special ambiance of sipping Jägermeister whilst gazing at women-dressed-as-vermin!!!
9. Apple Jacked: Is as physically-fit as he is sanctimonious. Proclaims frequently, “Meat is murder and THOU SHALL NOT KILL!” Has created a fun little game of slapping animal products out of people’s hands the second before it grazes their lips — including you — HAHAHAAA.
10. (un)Fortunate Baubles: He may be Irish. He will definitely have a beard that he may or may not wash semi-regularly. He may also have a fondness for “borrowing” cash from your purse and buries his loot in an undisclosed location because no bank nor person can be trusted. He is undoubtedly a Scorpio.

Katherine Shaw (she/her) is a writer who lives in the Pacific Northwest despite her ample serial killer anxiety. Published in The Belladonna Comedy, Points in Case, Slackjaw, LOL Comedy, Weekly Humorist, Robot Butt, and more. Catch her latest oddities on Twitter/IG @daclassybiatch.