Yelp Reviews of Best Places to Cry in My Apartment
The selection isn’t bad, but you really have to dig through a bunch of junk.
Bedroom, Lounge
4/5
Depending on what time you’re here, it’s like night and day. It’s cozy enough to not want to leave sometimes. (And where would you even go?) Great location if you’re looking for a quiet place to read or eat or pass out, but the space itself never feels “finished.” Despite the name, there’s so much else going on in here, like a lamp from Europe that doesn’t work in this country, a guitar no one knows how to play, and a vanity in the corner that I’ve been repeatedly told is “not a desk” by management. Looks like the owners recently brought in a lot of new plants (wonder how long those will last). The decor is a mix of minimalism and mess that somehow works. Ideal spot for crying.
Bathroom, Spa, Hair Salon
3/5
Can get really busy in the morning. Tiny, never clean enough, the lighting is kind of harsh, and the shower feels like a death trap. And yet, I’m here multiple times a day. Great acoustics for crying.
Kitchen, Restaurant & Bar
4.5/5
A favorite. I come here even more than Bathroom right down the hall. Let’s just say the food here is… inconsistent. The fridge never has what I want, no matter how many times I open it. And I can never find what I’m looking for in the sea of cupboards and cabinets that should probably be organized. I tried to use the oven once and it was a total disaster, so be careful. If you run the dishwasher (I know) and stand by the window, you can sneak in a pretty good cry.
Bedroom Closet, Used, Vintage, Women’s Clothing
2/5
The selection isn’t bad, but you really have to dig through a bunch of junk. Like, so much absolute crap that should probably be somewhere else, like the garbage. A keyboard, a hundred wigs, and photography equipment? Not really crying-friendly — believe me, I’ve tried.
The Living Room, Entertainment, Nightlife
5/5
Ah, I love this place! It’s got everything: huge windows, TV, big ass couch, cute little twinkle lights and plants. Want to read? The bookshelves were recently arranged by color, so that’s fun. The couch cushions are great for muffling long sobs.
The Living Room — Office, Stationery, Gym
2/5
Don’t confuse it with its sister location, unless you want to be disappointed! It’s almost like no one considered what a bad idea it would be to install an air conditioner by a desk covered in loose papers. Only redeeming qualities are the open floor space to work out if that’s your kind of thing (it’s not mine) and the AC covers the sound of crying.
Hall Closet, Storage
1/5
This place has a musk I can’t quite put my finger on. Maybe it’s the chemistry of three different people’s heavy, winter coats in what’s basically an odor oven. I don’t enjoy it here and have cried thinking about opening the door.
Nikki Palumbo is obviously a writer and comedian based in New York. Her work has appeared on The New Yorker, McSweeney’s, Reductress, the Google Assistant, her parents’ fridge and Twitter.com.
