Woefully Misinterpreted Hieroglyphics Translated by the Women of Ancient Egypt
We got the REAL meanings behind the carvings
Common Interpretation: “People”
Actual Translation: “Woman Insisting Her Partner Pull Over to Ask a Traveling Papyrus Merchant for Directions. Osiris Be Damned, Akhenaten, Pull Over!”
Common Interpretation: “God”
Actual Translation: “Legendary Woman Convincing Pharaoh Neferefre to Try Licking His Elbow.”
Common Interpretation: “The Eye of Horus”
Actual Translation: “The Eye of Isis, Wife of Horus, Whose Eyeliner Was Perpetually Lit Despite Being 90 Percent Toxic Lead.”
Common Interpretation: “Man Sitting on Heel”
Actual Translation: “Man Explaining the Basic Concepts of Bread Baking to Woman Whose Literal Entire Job is to Bake Bread”
Common Interpretation: “Woman Giving Birth”
Actual Translation: “Woman Physically Crushing Man Until He Admits that Hatshepsut was the Greatest Pharaoh in Egyptian history. Ramesses II? Please.”
Common Interpretation: “Man Eating”
Actual Translation: “Man Pondering the Toxic Masculinity Upon Which his Society is Built Prior to Indulging in a Hearty Bowl of Sphynx Bran.”
Common Interpretation: “Sky Goddess Nut with Geb, the Snake-Headed God”
Actual Translation: “Sky Goddess Nut Insisting That, While it is Super Gross that Geb is Both Her Husband and Her Brother, the Worst Part is the Fact that She’s Earning Only 80 Gold Rings for Every 100 Gold Rings Geb Earns for Doing a Significantly Easier Job.”
Common Interpretation: “Sekhmet, Goddess of War”
Actual Translation: “Sekhmet, Goddess Deliberating on the Unpaid Emotional Labor She’s Asked to Bear on a Daily Basis.”
Common Interpretation: “Obelisk”
Actual Translation: “Actual Depiction of King Menes, Early Penis Flasher.”
Lillian Stone is a humor writer and freelance journalist based in the midwest. She eats only corn-based foods and rarely leaves her home. Follow her on Twitter!
