Who’s That Discussing Ukraine: Putin, Stalin, or Satan?
Take this lighthearted internet quiz!
A note on context: 2022 is far from the first time that Russia has destructively meddled in Ukrainian affairs. Ukraine fought for independence against the USSR in the Ukrainian-Soviet War from 1917 to 1921, and during the 1930s, the USSR engineered the Holodomor: a man-made famine that deliberately killed millions to repress another Ukrainian independence movement.
- “The road is now open for the liberation of laboring Ukraine from the imperialist yoke.”
2. “We will strive for demilitarization and de-Nazification of Ukraine.”
3. “Dekulakization is being carried out by the masses of poor and middle peasants themselves.”
4. “Wow, tough to figure out which of my bros said what! Top-notch work by the folks down in Reincarnation.”
5. “It is true that a broad movement in favor of Ukrainian culture and Ukrainian public life has begun and is spreading in Ukraine. It is true that we must under no circumstances allow that movement to fall into the hands of elements hostile to us.”
6. “For our country, it is a matter of life and death, a matter of our historical future as a nation. This is not an exaggeration; this is a fact. It is not only a very real threat to our interests but to the very existence of our state and to its sovereignty.”
7. “Wait, you’re telling me Putin was born before Stalin died? Reincarnation not possible? You’re sure? You checked Wikipedia?”
8. “Ukraine is not just a neighboring country. It’s an integral part of our history, culture…modern Ukraine was entirely created by Russia. By Bolshevik, Communist Russia, to be exact.”
9. “Listen, Beelzebub, you’re not going to convince me these aren’t the same guy, I don’t care what it says about their birthdays. I’m looking directly at this internet quiz, which legally cannot lie, and these quotes were clearly spat out of the same mouthparts. Fine, get Steve from Inhuman Resources down here. Yes, I’ll wait, I’ve literally got eternity.”
10. “And what if the war in Ukraine assumes a protracted character and turns in the end into a war of all that is upright and noble in Russia against the new tyranny from the West?”
11. “Steve, help me out. Putin and Stalin: same dude, right? No, Steve, don’t fucking tell me they’re different people, I am the actual Prince of Darkness. Steve…hey, get back here, no one crawls away from Satan! Well, they do, but not for long. Beelzebub, harpoon Steve and then bring me my thumbscrews, will you?”
12. “But the struggle is not yet over, the victory is not yet secure. The real struggle in Ukraine has just begun.”
13. “Beelzebub, will you kindly remove Steve’s carcass? Thank you. Now you listen to me, Internet Quiz, I’ll say when the struggle has just begun. Admit this is all the same idiot and I’ll spare you from the fiery pit.”
14. “They will undoubtedly try to bring war…to kill innocent people just as members of the punitive units of Ukrainian nationalists and Hitler’s accomplices did during the Great Patriotic War.”
15. “Cheryl? Hi, it’s Satan. I know we don’t have our session until Wednesday, but do you think you could fit me in now? Something’s come up. Yes…I understand, but I’m in a very vulnerable place right now. What? No, I’m not on the internet, why would you –”
16. “In Ukraine, only very recently, the deviation towards Ukrainian nationalism did not represent the chief danger; but when the fight against it ceased and it was allowed to grow to such an extent that it linked up with the interventionists, this deviation became the chief danger.”
17. “Cheryl, please! Listen! Those last two must be from the same speech, right? I know I’m evil, but I’m not crazy! Hello? Hello?? Wait, how long have I been reading this? Is it still 2022? Has the Apocalypse come and gone? Did I…did I win?”
18. “The ruination and enslavement of Ukraine is coming to an end.”
19. “If only I could say the same for my own. Nothing makes sense anymore, I’m being gaslit by the humans, they’ve finally broken me, I’m done. Pack it up, Beelzebub. Hell is closing and I’m going back to divinity school.”
Answer Key:
Stalin: 1, 3, 5, 10, 12, 16, 18
Satan: 4, 7, 9, 11, 13, 15, 19 (but technically also 1–19)
Dae Selcer is a writer from Minneapolis who is good at word games and bad at geography games. She’s very, very short. Read her work in The Belladonna, Points in Case, various other internet publications, and spray painted on the doors of her political opponents.
