What a Restaurant Is by Lumiere the Man Candle
I am a man candle. Before you eat, let me tell you what a restaurant is!
Hello, Belle!
You are very, very beautiful. But very, very poor. And you know how to read, which is really surprising since you’re so poor — and you actually like to read. You’re such a nerd!
As much as you read, there are many things you do not know. Your provincial life on the outskirts of our palace is a muddy half hour horse ride away — it’s ridden with werewolves, btw! pls be careful — from this cursed palace, and it doesn’t have any restaurants.
But no worries, beautiful peasant. I am Lumiere, a man candle, and it is with deepest pride and greatest pleasure that I invite you to relax as the dining room (a room where you eat) proudly presents:
WHAT A RESTAURANT IS!!!
First, tie a napkin around your neck.
A napkin is a square cloth that prevents food from falling onto your peasant clothes. It’s mostly meant to protect finer clothing, like cotton and shit, but you should pretend to be fancy for once in your provincial life!
This is a menu.
This is not a book! You love books, and this is not a book, even though it looks like a book. This is a menu. More like MENu, amirite?! Hahaha, I am the man candle with the sweet, gentle voice of a young Obi Wan Kenobi.
The menu has words, and those words are food.
The food that the words are is the food that the restaurant has. Take your time, and if you have any questions, I am breathing down your neck right now with my little fires so you can ask me whenever!
Once you know what you want to eat, order it
I’ll tell the cooks and they’ll make it. Then I will bring out to you. Don’t worry! My hand flames are purely decorative so they won’t accidentally overcook anything on the way to your seat.
Oh, I see you’re looking at the soups!
Soup Dujour is a soup, and soups are an appetizer (here in France where we are right now, speaking French, these are called hors d’oeuvres!). I feel like you’ve never eaten a meal before, so just so you know, hors d’oeuvres are basically a little food you eat before you eat the big food. And soup is liquid food, served hot. Hot means having a high degree in temperature.
Try the grey stuff, it’s delicious!
I imagine that you are familiar with grey stuff. Poor people love grey food, because it’s the only thing they can afford or steal. If you don’t believe me on how good the grey stuff is, ask the dishes, who can sing and dance. They love the grey stuff because their favorite game is pretending that they’re poor, just like you!
This is France
France is where we are right now, remember? France is a country in Europe, where people live. Also I live here in this castle in France that we are in right now, where I am currently teaching you about restaurants.
You’re alone and scared
I can tell! But there’s no need to fear! The man candle is here, and it’s almost time for the big food.
Um, that’s the salad fork.
Yeah, I know it’s confusing, but you’re using the wrong fork to eat your beef ragout. This is actually amazing, since I assumed you would just use your hands, but please, use the right fucking fork, Belle. You’re in a castle for fuck’s sake, and I’m singing you this whole song about how to be a normal person.
Oh shit. It’s dessert time!
Desert is a sweet little meal served after the big meal. Lemme know what you want, girl! Man candle’s got this.
Now you pay
SHOW ME THE MONEY BYOTCH! Haha, I’m kidding. You don’t have to pay us — as I’ve sung to you for past two and a half hours, you’re our guest. Guests don’t have to pay at the cursed castle! We don’t even get paid, we’re just fancy unpaid interns! But full disclosure: at a normal restaurant, you DO have to pay.
Ok, I get it
Don’t even say it. I know that it was hypocritical of me to imply that you’re not a normal person earlier when I yelled at you about the salad fork since I am a man candle and not a normal person, either. But I can’t help it that I was cursed because my boss is a jerk!
Do you know how many people I’ve seen in the past ten years? ZERO. I want to be a person again. I don’t want to be a man candle anymore, so I’m REALLY rooting for you here, Belle: you’re very pretty, you’re smart, and based on my research you’re likely to develop Stockholm Syndrome and confuse it with true love.
You are going to live a happy, wonderful life in this castle with the Beast when he turns back to a dude. And I’m gonna be a dude again, too! So I can finally make love to the feather duster, and not cry wax all night anymore.
