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Welcome to Our Emergency Room’s Walk-In Abortion Clinic
We’ve just begun construction on a brand new drive-through lane!
Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton sued the Biden Administration Thursday, arguing that a recent directive for medical providers to offer abortions in emergency situations…is an “attempt to use federal law to transform every emergency room in the country into a walk-in abortion clinic.” — ABC News 7/14/22
Thank you for visiting the best abortion clinic in Texas, a distinction we’ve earned because actual abortion clinics are now illegal here. We’re proud to have received a glowing endorsement from our Attorney General, whose law degree no doubt makes him an expert in emergency reproductive health care, when he recently touted our convenient abortion services. As anyone with even a cursory understanding of emergency rooms or women’s health care in this country will tell you, this characterization of our services is completely accurate and reasonable. In fact, there are many reasons you can count on us for a great experience during your next walk-in abortion!
Like all emergency rooms, we are notoriously efficient and affordable. You can walk right in, sit in excruciating pain for several to many hours in an uncomfortable waiting room, be unsure throughout if your insurance will cover any aspect of the visit, repeat your symptoms to up to ten different people, and then be sent home with vague instructions, four Tylenol that cost $200 each, and an indecipherable bill for over $1,000. And although it is hard to believe, we expect our patient experience to get even more efficient over the next couple of years as the effects of the abortion ban play out — a higher maternal mortality rate will mean shorter wait times for you!
Additionally, we follow the industry standard when it comes to taking women’s health concerns seriously. US healthcare providers are eager to downplay or dismiss women’s symptoms as all in their head, under-treat their pain, and misdiagnose their conditions — especially women of color — and our doctors are no different. This is why if you come in with a pregnancy-related medical emergency, our first line of treatment is helping you just calm down and asking you if all the blood pouring out of your body is really pouring out of your body.
As the post-Roe healthcare world takes shape, it’s becoming apparent that doctors may delay or decline to provide lifesaving abortions, or procedures that could be construed as abortions, amid fear of legal consequences. But don’t worry — we now have many risk-adverse lawyers on hand to provide guidance about how we can play it safe (for us legally, not you medically) which will certainly increase the frequency of and improve access to abortions here! And while you are visiting, be sure to ask about our other common, lawyer-approved walk-in services, such as group acid trip babysitting, large dog nail trimming, and elective child limb removal.
As if all that doesn’t sound convenient enough, we’ve just begun construction on a brand new drive-through lane! Soon all you will have to do is drive up, scootch forward to the window, and hemorrhage into the pneumatic tube to potentially initiate your abortion, pending a legal review of course.
By now it should be obvious why emergency rooms like ours will just hand out elective abortions to anyone who walks in now that abortion is illegal. So come on down to our ER, where as long as you are literally dying we might provide you with an abortion. And if we don’t, at least your dog’s nails will be trimmed for your funeral.
Meg Reid is a political satirist and humor writer. She is a contributor at McSweeney’s, Reductress, and the Weekly Humorist. You can also find her work in The Belladonna, Robot Butt, Greener Pastures, Flexx Mag, and End of the Bench. She is on Twitter, Instagram, and here on Medium.
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