Welcome to our Clothing Store!
Now, please choose a side.
Hey! Welcome to Everyday Casualwear. How’s it going? Allow me to help you find what you’re looking for!
If you’re a man, you shop on this side of the store.
If you’re a woman, you shop on that side of the store.
Here at Everyday Casualwear, “man and woman” are the only gender identifiers we know about, so please, choose one.
In other words, do you want dark, stiff fabrics that make you feel physically and emotionally constrained? Or do you want soft, silky fabrics that make you really sweaty?
No matter which gender you declare today, we guarantee that by the time you leave our store, you’ll feel sad.
Did you say you’re looking for a t-shirt? What kind? Our basic woman t-shirts have fluttery sleeves that look like baby wings, while our basic man t-shirts are made of fiberglass.
Not sure which one is for you? Consider this: do you aspire to be Tinkerbell or a navy ship? Neither? Hmmm…. I’m not sure I understand.
Are you sure you’re a person?
You need a nice shirt for going out? Take a look on our Woman Side, where our only nice shirts are floral peasant blouses that come in pink, coral, baby pink, baby coral, Mariah Carey’s yacht blue, and white.
On our Man Side, we’ve got button-downs in all kinds of manly colors: grey, black, navy, charcoal, slate, gunsmoke, terminator, black hole, slow-rolling tank, and aviation showdown.
Think about your choice this way: Do you want to awaken your inner baby, or are you a mixed martial arts podcast host? Hint: our market research from 1991 says women seek clothes with an infantile vibe and loose sleeves that get stuck in car doors.
Oh, you want to be a baby who hosts a mixed martial arts podcast? That’s upsetting.
We don’t have a clothing section for people like that.
How about an accessory? Maybe a backpack? If you’re a man, enjoy our practical, forest-green bags loaded with pockets, plus a special carrier for your nunchucks. Our backpacks for women are the same, but smaller and they have a built-in, emergency make-up compact and a carrier for your teacup pig. Also, our women’s backpacks are covered in floral embroidery because — you know — fertility.
How about we head over to the Man Side and see what’s for sale. Behold our selection of button-downs, some pants in tan and gray, and socks made of chain metal. Nice! Men don’t like creativity or options, so that’s all we have for men.
So let’s stroll to the Woman Side and take a look. Here are clothes hanging on mannequins who look upset. Don’t you also see yourself holding a bag in your elbow crook and positioning your hands so they look like they’re holding invisible magic orbs?
Here is your mom, sitting on this loveseat. We asked her to come in and make sure you saw this darling cardigan with seashell buttons that would look precious with this dress that’s one big doily.
Can I get you started with a fitting room? No thanks? Is that because you want to try on our essential shimmery crop-top instead? No? What about this cute skirt printed with pictures of soaps, shoes, and the Eiffel Tower? But don’t you hear Natalie Imbruglia, Paula Cole, and Florence and the Machine playing over the speakers? Whenever you hear them sing it means that you need to wear clothes that make you look like a perfume bottle, a country inn, or a naïve mermaid.
Go ahead and try them on! If you need a different size, let me know. If you need clothes that aren’t made of glitter and rose petals, that’s confusing. When you’re ready to purchase, don’t forget to mention my name — I work on commission!
Kerry Elson is a teacher and writer in New York City.
