Welcome To My Apocalypse Preparedness Party!
All the products here were designed to help us survive the imminent destruction of everything we know and love, in style.
Ladies, I am thrilled to have you all here at my apocalypse preparedness party! I think we can agree that my Mary Kay soirées have been wild successes, and I suspect this afternoon will be no different. All the products here were designed to help us survive the imminent destruction of everything we know and love, in style.
[A blinding light fills the room, everyone screams.]
Uh oh! You’ve all been temporarily blinded by a nuclear flash. See how fast that can happen? None of you saw it coming. Luckily, these killer sunglasses I’m wearing have 100 percent radiation flash-protection. No burning retinas or momentary loss of sight here.
What’s that Amanda? “This is fucking insane?” I don’t know, I think it’s fucking insane to pretend that with the United State’s batshit political environment we can still live inside our tiny, manicured bubbles where the threat of some crazy ass country launching a nuclear, biological or chemical attack on us is merely something we see in a doomsday blockbuster. Or Syria.
But, I’m sure Amanda isn’t alone, which is why I’ve prepared a series of super fun, mostly harmless demonstrations. Instead of Mary Kay makeovers, we’ll be doing doomsday-we’re-not-overs! Get it? I thought it was cute.
Girls, there’s no need to cry, that beam was only half as strong as the flash from the bomb North Korea is literally about to drop on us. Your eyesight will be back in a — flash. Haha. Anyway, I know you can’t see right now but these must-have sunglasses come in matte black, brown tortoise, and marble cat. At only $149.99, there honestly couldn’t be a more fabulous way to stare death in the face.
Oh my god Janine is violently convulsing and gasping for air, she must have picked up the champagne glass poisoned with cyanide.
That’s right girls, cyanide poisoning is a very real form of chemical warfare, and something that could easily be added to our public water systems or, even worse, our favorite seltzers.
Janine it’s so funny, I actually bet Eric — or, I guess I need to start calling him my fiancé! — $10 that you’d be the one to grab the glass. You always have such awful luck!
Don’t worry, these sugar-free, zero-calorie, minty fresh sodium nitrate tables are the most invigorating antidote to dying a painful, and unsuspecting death. Janine, catch! Take one and you’ll be fine. I’ll collect the $65 for the entire 12-pack from you later. And next time, drop the tablet in the champagne before you take a sip. Don’t look so angry, I just saved your life.
Guys, don’t run out the door. Actually, you can’t. I’ve reinforced my home with exterior-grade, solid-core Kevlar, steel, and bullet-proof fiberglass. It’s the only materials you’ll need to ensure your fallout shelter keeps out looters, disease-infected neighbors, radioactive debris, zombies, ISIS and even your mother-in-law.
Available in dark gray, light gray, regular gray and translucent — did you ever imagine a dusty, old cement casing meant to protect us from the annihilation of all mankind could be so chic?
And this means, sleepover! I know no one brought an overnight bag but your gift bags or, should I say, survival sacks, have everything you need to stay fresh and beautiful for the end of the world.
Your initial-embroidered sacks include a bottle of all-natural hair conditioner that will NOT bond radioactive material to your hair, blush that doubles as antiseptic and eyeshadow, a compass compact mirror, some pistachios, a Kate Spade hazmat suit, a transmitter radio that yells out inspirational quotes, and a bag of clear quartz crystals to ward off negative energy…or spark a fire, if you must.
All these products have obviously been Goop-approved. I even heard this 1,500 thread count mylar blanket is a personal favorite of Gwyneth’s. Who wants to get lit on fire first!
[The room goes pitch dark, everyone screams again.] Seriously? Ladies, no one will hear you scream when the world is burning and the power is out forever and there’s no cell service or fresh air and you can’t even look in a mirror to see if your skin is melting off.
And when you’re losing your will to survive and feel the darkness of a meaningless life and agonizing death creep in, you’re going to need to take a deep breath and find… your LuMee flashlight.
LuMee’s incredible battery operated flashlight has the same LED lights they use in their life-changing cell phone case. Even better, it comes with a detachable Polaroid camera so you can still capture the perfect selfie even when your cell phone is dead — or you’re about to be.
We’ll test all these later tonight. But now, follow me into the dining room where I’ve set up a buffet of delicious low-calorie, and gluten-free snacks you can make using your non-perishable cans of lima beans, tomato soup, mayonnaise, and pineapple.
I recommend purchasing those sodium nitrate tablets now.
