We’re the Lonely Gators of Florida’s Gatorland Theme Park and We Miss You!
“What you been up to? You new hobbies? You learn thing? You turn into big ham?”
Gatorland — where theme park meets wildlife preserve for over 2,000 alligators — is once again open for 7 days a week with COVID safety precautions! https://www.gatorland.com
Hello human friend! Is me! Alligator from favorite place- Florida! I live at “theme park” called Gatorland. Is cool! We called “Alligator Capital of the World.” So true! But gators miss you! We miss you big time so we learn how write. Still we no see you. Only see “skeleton crew” of Mark, Susan, and Julio. Just friend meat snacks, you know? So what going on here at Gatorland? Let us show!
You no been to park because of sick thing. Sick thing no fun for you. Boo! Means can’t come to Gatorland. Means wear mask. Boo mask, right? Mark wears mask bad over glasses and see bad. We sneak up behind him good. But sick no fun for gators either! Heard you let animals out at other animal parks. Tuxedo birds get to walk around? Here we never see no tuxedo bird to eat. Let us out of cage! We want to get layout of park, please — especially entrance exits.
What you been up to? You new hobbies? You learn thing? You turn into big ham? Hey we all big ham sometime. I? I use head nut to learn write English (boring), lay 97 eggs, and also get good at jumping high to zip line over cage! Gators spend time testing cage for weakness, learn where cameras is, and also that Susan no close gates good (stupid, weak armed Susan). We are small dinosaurs and we get real good at jump and snap while you gone. Same hobbies as you (boring)!
But now that sick thing almost over — whoopie! You want freedom and sick of rules! Whoopie! Us too! We love how free you is. No more masks! No more big spaces between! No more seat belts or safety harness cause is mask for body! Ignore signs Mark put up for sick thing! Crowd many into park and say no to safety harness when you zipline overtop of cages! Love to see! We want to be touched — like you no touch long time. Come touch us with hand meat. Even try touch with both hand meats, sounds fun!
You go Gatorland, we show you all new stuff! Come feed us near water, zip line over cage, come pet us (we love touch)! See new trick where we stack on top of gator to form big gator ladder. We big gator team now. I is leader. Is cool! Can’t wait for you in large, fat ham groups!
When you come is Gatorland be different? Yeah sure, gator run park now so it change look. We not leave — I CEO of park, too. Is big cool! Also ate Mark, Susan, and Julio. Don’t worry, we wear them as suits so gator look like you. You think cute. Anyways come hand feed us, get inside cage, pet our mouth with face, okay?
You done sick thing, you big ham? Come to Gatorland! Crowd 10,000 big hams in here, gates lock good (not like stupid, weak armed Susan) and gators have meat snacks for life! Here discount code WEEATYOU for 50% off or FREE for Florida meat snacks. Tell them gator sent you! Remember we cheaper than Disney and basically same place. That reminds — please bring fat, ham self and also mouse, thank you please!
Nicole Erb is a comedy writer based in Los Angeles who’s written for McSweeney’s, Points in Case, and Upright Citizens Brigade-LA. Like any good former Philadelphian, Nicole is obsessed with soft pretzels, screaming at strangers, and sexualizing the Phillie Phanatic. Find her on Twitter @nerbingout or at nicoleerb.com.
