Unsolicited Victorian Dick Pic
I give you this written description of my most important physical feature.
September 1st, 1862
Dear Beauty,
I am compelled to put ink to page after witnessing you tonight at the Literary Society’s Ball. I could not help but notice your most enticing face though you did not look in my direction the entire night. I must express how your beauty has stirred in me the highest of compliments, which I pay to you now with this written description of my most important physical feature:
Imagine a bundle that could carry a rolled-up map. Then visualize this long package is secured with strings pulsing around it like veins. At the end, it rounds out into a very pleasing dome.
I look forward to your reception of my parcel.
Anticipatorily,
Richard D. Arthur
September 8th, 1862
Dear Beauty,
My apologies, I understand I may not have received a response to my letter detailing my most prized package due you thinking an actual delivery will be coming by way of postman. I dearly regret my miscommunication. It is my duty to ensure you grasp the magnitude of the compliment I am giving you. I will be more clear and less metaphoric.
Accept this description of my most pressing issue: a handle of soft skin surrounding a profound muscle, like a juicy sausage awaiting your mouth.
You are welcome,
Richard Arthur
September 13th, 1862
Dear Beauty,
I have conversed with the postman and been informed you have sent no response. I am worried that perhaps you may not be styled in the art of letters. While you search for someone to write for you, as that is the only reason you could possibly have not responded yet. I will rely on contemporary literature, assuming you are versed in Moby Dick: the prized white whale that you are searching for is located at the cleft of my legs.
Beaming,
Richard
September 18th, 1862
Dearest Beauty,
No response? I don’t mean to be oblique. You may not have realized I am trying to convey the image of a firm length of pink flesh bursting from a dark-haired nest like a newborn snake. Looking forward to your swift response.
Cheers,
R. Arthur
September 23rd, 1862
Beautiful One,
Long. Thick. Firm. Smooth head. Yet, I am not bald.
Yours,
Rich
September 27th, 1862
Sweet Beauty,
I realize now you are not simple, nor nonresponsive, but must be most overcome with joy. It is the logical response as I deluge you with descriptions of the highest delightful compliment a woman could ever receive. I take your silence as great flattery.
Here is a gift in return, use imagination to conjure up the image of a long shaft of telegraph cable, yet with a girth not unlike the head of a croquet mallet. Now, please respond so you may fully receive the depth of my compliment.
Awaiting,
Richie
September 29th, 1862
Lovely Beauty,
My one eye is fully focused on your reply. It is most wide.
Desperately,
Richard A. A.
October 1st, 1862
Beauty,
I am concerned you are not receiving my letters due to incompetence of the postman. Therefore, I must continue. Please draw in your mind’s eye a long meaty flute that when is placed to your lips emits my most sweetest music and most satisfactory creams. Wrap it in overlapping cuts of cured meat and adore it with sprigs of your father’s mustache trimmings. Inhale the scent of damp horse hair and moss.
I long to allow you to thank me for these notes.
Richard. A. Arthur.
October 7th, 1862
Beauty,
Penis.
Dick
October 13th, 1862
To Richard D. Arthur,
By the descriptions you provide and the tenacity in which you send them, I must say I’ve diagnosed you with venereal disease. Your imagery is similar to the recorded experiences of afflicted persons in the throes of the nervous breakdown characteristic of the incurable final stage of syphilis.
Yet, let one of your final pleasures be knowing that my publishing of your letters in the medical journals of the day has helped me to achieve the rank of medical doctor, most unusual for a female. Also, as a preventative measure, I’ve alerted the community of your condition thusly preventing any female from coming near your most diseased man flesh.
You will be receiving an invoice for the diagnosis via the postman.
Professionally,
Dr. Sophia Johansson (née Beauty)
Heather Meyer is a humor writer in Minneapolis who likes to bake terrible things live on Facebook as Cooking Heather and tweets @heathermeyer2.
