Uh-Oh! Mommy’s Maternity Leave is Up!

The ultimate tip sheet for raising yourself courtesy of your Mommy’s employer.

Brisa Sylvestre
The Belladonna Comedy

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They said babies couldn’t read memos. Well, who’s laughing now? (photo credit Pixabay from Pexels)

Your Mommy’s maternity leave has come to an end — happily for us! We hope you’re getting used to being alive newborn. You’ve had Mommy now for a whole two weeks! No hogging — It’s our turn! Thank god, right? We know she must have desperately missed being with the team. Well, she popped you out and did what she needed to do and now it’s time we get her back! Hooray! We promised Mom we got childcare covered with a special benefit in her employment package — this newborn self-care tip sheet with a few goodies included!

1. Feeding — This one is straightforward. The breast milk is in your Mom’s breasts so get yourself to the bus station during her scheduled lunch break. Then, take the #7 bus to the subway and her office is only 17 stops from there. Be flexible though, if she has a meeting about team-building that obviously comes first and you will have to come back at another time. Too tired to commute for milk? Ask Mommy to leave you a porterhouse steak in the fridge that you can sear up on the grill — hey, you deserve it!

2. Burping — After all that breast milk and steak you’re most likely going to have some heartburn. That’s why we generously include a free 12-inch stick that you can use to tap your back and BAM! You’re burping yourself! Tell us what you think about the design, we created these for our marketing team to distribute as office swag, feedback never hurts!

3. Diaper changes — This is just like changing a pair of underpants and I’m sure you know how to do that right? Easy enough. Or you can just hold it until Mom gets home. Her workday typically reaches 14 hours but again be flexible as she might have mandatory overtime. Everyday mostly. So, plan to hold for around 18 hours.

4. Bonding — We know it’s of the upmost importance to bond with your Mom in your first few weeks on Earth. We totally understand. That’s why we’ve provided a headshot of your Mom printed from our corporate website and taped it to a jumbo stuffed plush bear with prosthetic nipples. Give it a squeeze, it’s like the same thing, almost!

5. Entertainment — We’ve included some DVDs such as The Lord of the Rings trilogy, all the Fast and the Furious sequels and Fifty Shades of Grey. A great child-friendly assortment that we found lying around in the break room after our recycled DVD drive but also a great way for you to begin learning about the world! Sick of seeing Gandalf’s face? We also included a fidget spinner that we stole off our admin’s desk that you can twirl uselessly for hours.

6. Learning — Here’s a book about Tax Law. One of our favorites here. There’s a free workshop at the end you can take and add to your resume. You have a resume, right? We’d love to have you intern when you’re at working age — let’s say around 4 ½ years old?

7. Emergency contact — We’ll send the number for our office assistant Chad. If your Mom’s not busy, we’ll have Chad forward the call to her but don’t get your hopes up because she’s busy every day. On second thought, we’ll just put Chad down as your emergency contact. Don’t worry, he was a baby once, you’ll have a lot in common. Don’t tell him about the fidget spinner though, that was his.

A special note for Mom: Congrats! We know these tips will be super helpful for your newborn to take care of themselves while you return to work, and this is definitely competitive with what other poorly run companies are doing for new mothers. Our CEO knows pretty much squat about kids, but you could never tell, right? We’ve got all the bases covered and your baby will be in the best hands — his own! And more importantly, hundreds of emails are waiting to be addressed in your inbox so let’s get going!

Brisa Sylvestre is a writer based out of Boston, MA…actually, about 27 minutes outside of Boston. So, she has like a 27 minutes from Boston accent. YES — there’s a difference. Follow her on twitter @brisa_sylvestre.

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