Try the CottageCore Workout
The 19th century secret to washboard abs? Scrubbing laundry on a washboard!
CottageCore is a high-intensity full-body workout on tools utilized by our ancestors. Engage your core by living life in a cottage! Harken back to a simpler time of pioneer strength by churning butter, beating carpets, and kneading dough. The 19th century secret to washboard abs? Scrubbing laundry on a washboard!
Our Science
CottageCore works by breaking down muscle fibers biologically designed for the endurance of the daily life of living off the land. Our forebears created manual tools to gradually strengthen your muscles over time. While the tasks may be challenging, you will always push through: remember, if our long lost relatives could survive, so can you.
Our Results
Much like facing a harsh winter without wood, consistency is key with CottageCore! You will see results almost immediately, both in your toned body and handicrafts you bring home. Within weeks, you’ll have both biceps and butter.
Our Vibe
CottageCore is more than just a workout, it’s a sanctuary for simpler living. Lit by oil lamps and candles, the CottageCore studio reclaims the sphere of the domestic through your fitness journey. Leave your cell phone and the modern world behind as you experience the unrelenting labor that brings you closer to spiritual enlightenment.
Our Village
Our CottageCore instructors are a village of hardscrabble elders from the old country. They motivate you with the guilt of losing their traditional trades and the shame of being soft from a life of leisure. They personalize each workout with a playlist of the sounds of rural life — work out to children praying for a good crop, creaky old doors, and lonely letters from faraway relatives.
Our Attire
We encourage you to be comfortable, but we suggest long flowing dresses you would frolic in a field in. Our CottageCore Shop includes crochet capes and long floral skirts that don’t wick away sweat but rather stain and smell, so you can experience the old homestead ways. Then, you’ll hand-wash your own garments! It’s all part of the CottageCore workout!
Restorative
In our restorative classes, we feature soundscapes of the first birdsong of spring, the wind rustling amongst the meadows, and the gentle flowing of a creek. These classes target the small hand muscles required for embroidery and harp-playing. If you are interested in hands-on assistance, a matron will correct your posture to teach you how to be a proper lady (or gentleman.) You can feel like you’ve done real work before sitting at your desk on video chat all day!
Our Immersive Retreats
Once you live and breathe CottageCore, you will only want more! We have a yearly one week intensive retreat, including targeted immersive experiences such as:
- Cardio — Run through the woods because your parents are marrying you off to your 2nd cousin.
- Core & biceps — Chop enough wood to survive the winter, even though you lost poor Timmy last year.
- Upper body — Carry buckets of water from the well, with meditative intervals of staring into your reflection wondering if this pastoral life is all there is.
- Forearms — Scrub all the floors of a country home on your hands and knees, like Cinderella waiting for her Prince Charming. Maybe he chose her because of her fit bod!
Try our CottageCore experience for results you’ll want to daguerreotype!
Alice Roth is a writer based in Brooklyn, New York. She has previously written for WIRED and VICE and created short-form video for The Atlantic, Vanity Fair, and Architectural Digest. You can find her on twitter @aliceroth and instagram @alicerothology.
