Top 10 Reasons I Could Never Survive the Hunger Games
People like me probably shouldn’t be exposed to the elements.
1. I must be lulled to sleep by the soothing whir of a white noise machine.
The twitter of birds in the trees? Crickets chirping in a nearby field? No, thank you. I will be driven into a rage suitable for the fifth circle of hell. I would be making truces with the other 23 tributes to have quiet hours enforced from 10:00 PM-8:00 AM.
2. I still have to call my mom when I cook chicken
How am I expected to keep myself alive if I gave myself food poisoning last week? I would be throwing up and crying for all three days I’d be alive. Imagine, if you will, my mentor. They’re so excited; a sponsor has decided to send me a pound of raw meat! They watch as I ignore my groceries, per usual, and the meat goes bad after sitting in the sun on a rock (that I have failed to recognize is actually the boy tribute from my district with face paint on). Not knowing this, I cook it for a minute on both sides and promptly end my life with what I thought was going to be a lovely dinner.
3. I’m a sucker for a dog
I will try to pet one of those muttation wolves. I don’t care if they have the dead eyes of my fellow tributes. I don’t care if they will tear me limb from limb. They’re just little guys.
4. I’m a Gemini
I don’t know how to keep my lil’ trap shut. I will give away everything: plans, secrets, alliances. Nothing is as sacred as my need to be the center of attention. And with jabberjays around? Forget about it. I talk to myself constantly. Those birds would be screaming “How did I get myself stuck in the tree in the northeast quadrant of the arena!?” again and again. Game over.
5. My birth control alarm
10 o’clock on the dot Britney Spears’ Circus will blare from my iPhone 10. The other tributes will descend upon me like moths to the flame. I have entertained. And they must observe. If, somehow, I escape with my life I have only 30 minutes before my Zoloft alarm goes off. “Oops, I did it again / I played with your heart, got lost in the game…”
6. I’ve gotten concussed sitting down
It was from laughing too hard in a Red Robin. People like me probably shouldn’t be exposed to the elements. If I’m facing off with the boy from District 2 on top of the Cornucopia and he quotes a John Mulaney special, that would be it for me. I would fall to my death and my last words before the cannon sounds would be “One black coffee.”
7. I can never remember names
A surefire way to ruin any chances of an alliance. I can’t ask someone to share their berries if I don’t know their name, it would be unseemly. I’d rather die than navigate the awkward circumstance of asking someone for their name a third time. If it comes down to that, I’m popping a few nightlock berries and calling it a day.
8. A group of middle schoolers made me cry on more than one occasion
As an adult. I don’t really want to get into the details but middle schoolers can be cruel and specific. The girl from District 1 would call my clothes tacky and the boy from District 8 would back it up with facts and knowledge about textiles.
9. I’m afraid of spiders
Those eight-legged freaks drive me over the edge. If one crawls toward me I will throw everything I have at it leaving me shoeless and weaponless in an arena full of teenagers trying to kill me and I will still be singularly focused on where the spider went.
10. I was a theatre kid in high school
This should speak for itself. If it doesn’t, imagine Rachel Berry was in the hunger games. You know you’re chasing her down with a trident the second the horn blares. Lucy Gray was the exception, not the rule.
Fran Bixby is a comedy writer based in Chicago, Illinois. The Belladonna is Fran’s first foray into online publication with her previous work being seen on stage. She has an intense fear of breaking her nose and can be found on Twitter @youfoundfran
