Tips For Throwing An Awesome Wine Tasting Party Specifically So You Can Entomb Your Friend In The Catacomb Beneath Your House
Fun! Easy! Vengeance!
If you’re looking for a fun fall activity to do with your gal pals, look no further than a wine tasting party! They’re super classy, super easy, and most importantly, give you an excuse to get revenge on your friends for all the ways they’ve wronged you. So, here are some tips for throwing a totally awesome wine tasting party that will finally give you the opportunity to entomb Stephanie in the catacomb beneath your house!
Have a variety of different wines
No wine tasting party is complete without an array of reds, whites, and rosés, so make sure to include an assortment of different options to choose from. Once you’re done showing off your wide selection, tell Stephanie there’s a special one you picked out just for her but it’s all the way in the basement, so she’ll have to come with you down there to get it.
Consider centering it around a theme
Maybe you want to have a rosé-centered affair where everyone brings their favorite bottle, or a classy French party where all the wines are from different regions of France. Not only do themes help solidify the kind of vibe you’re going for, but they also make decorating a lot easier because you can just pick up goodies that all tie into the central idea. Tell Stephanie that the bricks and trowel you’re holding are because you’re doing some DIY projects for the party. In fact, you’re going to start laying some bricks down right here, in front of the niche Stephanie is standing in.
Offer a palate cleanser
Our palates are very delicate, so if you want to go from a fuller-bodied wine back to a lighter one, you’ll need to offer something acidic, like a scoop of lemon sorbet, to wash out the previous flavor. Kind of like the time Stephanie borrowed your nice Madewell blouse and spilled her vodka cran on it, leaving an irremovable stain. Jokingly remind her of this incident so she may recall that the pendulum of karma swings both ways. BOTH WAYS, STEPHANIE!
Engage with your guests
Checking in with everyone throughout the evening is a great way of assessing people’s needs and ensuring a good time for all. Be proactive and stop possible party-downer problems before they happen by asking questions like, “Do you want me to put out more snacks?”, “Does anyone need a sweatshirt as it gets cooler out?”, “Does anyone need water?” To Stephanie in particular you can ask, “Was that stupid, mediocre drink worth it? Did you REALLY think you would get away with trying to return the shirt to me all folded up so I wouldn’t see your MORTAL SIN? WILL YOU STOP YOUR CRYING?”
Serve some nice hors d’ oeuvres or a charcuterie platter
You should always have food if you know you’re going to be drinking at a party. Not only will the appetizers prevent people from getting too tipsy but also, a nice cheese and cracker plate will complement the flavors of the wine. That Madewell blouse really complemented your skin tone but that doesn’t matter anymore DOES IT? You paid SIXTY FUCKING DOLLARS for that shirt but apparently that wasn’t important enough for Stephanie to be bothered to HOLD ONTO HER GODDAMN DRINK FOR LIKE A FUCKING SECOND. Maybe if she wasn’t in the middle of making out with your boyfriend she could have HAD A STRONGER HOLD ON HER GLASS.
And there you have it! Everything you need to know about throwing an epic wine-tasting party that will impress your friends and allow you to finally get revenge by straight-up murdering Stephanie. Don’t forget to pick out a dope summer playlist to drown out any possible yells for help!
Michelle Cohn is a New York-based writer and pop culture enthusiast. She is tired.
