This Waitlist has a 10,000 Person Waitlist
Remember it’s a marathon, not a sprint.
Welcome to the most popular restaurant in town! As you know, we don’t take reservations and are happy to seat guests on a walk-in basis.
Ah, it looks like we’re full at the moment. If you’d like, I can add you to the waitlist. Oh shoot, I just checked the books and it looks like our waitlist already has a ten thousand person waitlist.
Don’t worry–it actually moves really fast, so if you want to add your name and number we’ll call you as soon as a spot on the primary waitlist becomes available. It’ll come faster than you think, Mr. Ten Thousand and One.
You know what? This was totally my bad, but the waitlist’s waitlist is already full. Do we have a waitlist for the waitlist’s waitlist? Don’t be ridiculous.
Did you know that this building used to be a shoe factory?
Your next option is to join our virtual queue. You simply have to navigate to our webpage, enter the captcha, perform a little dance for your computer, and then you’ll have the option to join the queue! Did I mention that a desktop computer is mandatory? Keep in mind that if you navigate away from the page or think about anything else at all, you’ll lose your spot in line. And we wouldn’t want that!
But don’t get rid of your cell phone just yet! You’ll also need to download our bespoke third-party app. Not available on Android or iPhone. If you’re having trouble with that, you can ask one of our servers to help you. They all have master’s degrees.
Yes, you’ll have to create an account in order to use the app. We operate kind of like the DMV in that you’ll need two different forms of ID and a random electricity bill that you realize too late is from a former address! But once you have all the documents in place, it’ll be super simple from there!
Another fun fact: did you know that all the wood here is salvaged from 19th century mercantile ships? The reclaimed wood is part of what makes the dining experience so special and also what makes it take so long. The floorboards are uneven and our servers have to walk slowly or they’ll trip.
We do have the option for you to skip the line completely if you’re famous. Are you famous? Well known? You are? Why didn’t you say so? Wait a second… Aren’t I supposed to recognize you if you’re famous? You just can’t be. Don’t make me make you join the liar’s line!
I can see you’re getting upset, and I really am sorry for the inconvenience. But although I am literally the only thing standing between you and a table, it’s totally out of my hands. If you’d like, there’s a stress ball you can squeeze. I find that to be a comfort sometimes.
Woah, good news! We’ve actually had a ton of cancellations tonight, and a spot is open!
Oh, I’m so sorry, but it’s gone. They go quickly. You have to anticipate what I’m going to say before I say it. Have you ever even eaten at a restaurant before?
Remember, it’s a marathon, not a sprint. The most important part is to be ready when a table comes your way.
Look, a surefire way to get a table at this restaurant is to just line up outside. Almost everyone gets in that way, I promise. The line starts just around the corner. And down the block. You simply have to board a plane (business class or higher ticket please), land at the destination, and at that point it’s just a five minute walk from the subway. Yes sir, that’s where the line starts.
What’s this? A twenty dollar bill? Thank you! I’m going to use it to buy that mug I like. Now get back in line.
Caroline Cotter is a writer and actor living in Los Angeles. Her work as been published in The New Yorker’s Shouts & Murmurs, Points in Case, The Belladonna, and the zine Functionally Dead. You can see her dumb face on carolineEcotter.com
Read more from Caroline on The Belladonna here:
