Things Victorian Women Said
Repressed statements from repressed ladies.
1. “After university, I specialized in death photography.”
2. “My animal bone tooth is of the finest quality.”
3. “Due to some spats with the law, I’ve given up grave robbing and handsome farm boys.”
4. “The full moon hasn’t lured me into the ocean in my undergarments once this season.”
5. “I ride sidesaddle to stifle my passions and if I bring my cat or dog to town, they will have modesty covers over their arseholes.”
6. “I possess a chic all-black wardrobe and I never show my ankles except I am a real sucker for theme parties.”
7. “I know how to nanty nark with town folk, but I don’t offer blood lettings to just anyone.”
8. “After lunch, I require a tea break, then a stale biscuit break, followed by a drippy porridge break.”
9. “Despite concerns from my withholding relative, I haven’t spoken to the ghost of my husband since last Tuesday.”
10. “The same withholding relative hasn’t locked me in the attic for one of my wailing fits in weeks.”
11. “Before the evening fog rolls in, I must return home to view the apparition of my long-lost brother sailing into harbor.”
12. “I am in pristine shape from my arsenic face masks and ritual corset tightenings.”
13. “I prefer to keep my taxidermied squirrel home with my tubercular child.”
14. “My wooden leg is in tickety-boo condition.”
Jenny Hatchadorian has been published by Mutha, Vol 1. Brooklyn, Weekly Humorist, Full Grown People, Little Old Lady, and the podcast Everything Good. Find her on Instagram @hatchadorianhere
