The Ten Commandments Reimagined for the Texas Classroom
We have a few caveats.
“Public schools in Texas would have to prominently display the Ten Commandments in every classroom starting next school year under a bill the Texas Senate approved Thursday.” Texas Tribune, April, 20, 2023
The Ten Commandments
*with a few caveats for Texans.
1. Thou shalt not have any other gods before me.
*But you CAN donate your church tithe to the 2024 and 2028 election of Donald Trump.
2. Thou shalt not make idols for worship.
*But you CAN build a special wall at home dedicated to the guns you’ll need in case the government comes over — or your friends, so you can show them what a bad ass you are.
3. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord your God in vain.
*God is no snowflake, so you CAN use his name for your white supremacist militias.
4. Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy.
*After a long day of church and family meals, you CAN watch Fox News to remind yourself of how much you fucking hate everyone that is not like you.
5. Honor thy father and mother.
*Unless you have two dads or two moms or a non-binary or trans parent. Or a single parent for that matter.
6. Thou shalt not murder.
* Just the little unborn babies. Born people that give you the heebie-jeebies are fine.
7. Thou shalt not commit adultery.
*Unless you’re a Republican politician.
8. Thou shalt not steal.
*Unless it’s land, people, wages, district lines, and the rights of women.
9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against your neighbor.
*Unless your neighbor is a trans child in need of gender affirming care, a victim of a school shooting, or the Big Lie itself. In these situations make up any facts that will suit your fear of being wrong.
10. Do not covet your neighbor’s house, spouse, or anything that belongs to your neighbor.
*Except their Ford F-150. Because it is entirely normal to drive a truck that size for no real reason except pure jealousy of someone else’s enormous F-150.
Elizabeth Collins is a comedian and writer living in Los Angeles. www.elizabethcollins.com
