The Daily Itinerary of THE BIRTHDAY GIRL

WOW it’s my special day!!! It’s not that big a deal though.

you had better pay attention to me this entire birthday MONTH…err, I mean, DAY.

7:45AM: Wake up. Check your daily email from TheSkimm. Scroll all the way to the bottom to see your name on the list of birthdays!

7:46AM: OMG it’s not there.

7:47AM: Check one more time just to make sure.

7:48AM: Okay, shake it off. Check Facebook. Scroll through 17 notifications. Who is Gina Sue? One of mom’s friends?

8:00AM: Hop in the shower. Try to harmonize Happy Birthday with yourself. When it doesn’t work, just sing all the parts of “Let Me Love You” by Mario that you can remember.

8:30AM: Blowdry your hair. It’s your freaking birthday. Volumize.

8:45AM: Put on more makeup than usual. When people at work say “you look nice today,” you’ll get to say, “It’s my birthday!!”

8:46AM: Think to yourself that Kaylyn better have passed a card around. Your birthday’s in the office spreadsheet right? Were you supposed to do that or is it an HR thing?

8:50AM: Walk to the subway while scrolling through the Happy Birthday emails from all of your loyalty programs. Unsubscribe from all the ones that don’t offer coupons. Except Kate Spade because Surprise Sale duh.

8:55AM: Check TheSkimm email again just in case.

Searching for my name on the Skimm Birthday list like

9:00AM: Board the train. Burn past an old lady for a seat. It’s your birthday. She’d understand if you’d told her.

9:30AM: BIRTHDAY SCONE!!!!!!!!!

9:45AM: Walk into work. There’s a balloon on your desk, thank God.

9:50AM: Check Facebook again. 43 posts in total. Check your ex’s Facebook to see how many he got on his birthday. It’s 79. You’re not trying to beat it anything you’re just curious.

10:30AM: Um… no one’s wished you happy birthday yet…

10:45AM: Check The Skimm again.

11:00AM: Your mom calls. Finally some freaking attention.

11:20AM: Hang up on your mom after she reminds you it’s your cousin’s birthday too.

11:30AM: Check Facebook again. 65 posts. 14 away. But not really. It, like, doesn’t matter.

11:45AM: GChat Shawna to remind her that it’s your birthday and you’re getting lunch birthday Margs together!

12:00PM: Your boss, Hunter, asks what’s up with the balloon. You INCREDULOUSLY inform him that it’s your birthday. You consider reporting the indifference of his “Oh.. happy birthday” to HR. He can’t talk to you like that. You’re a valued employee. It’s your birthday.

This is how your boss Hunter made you feel with his words, TBH.

12:10PM: You remember that on her birthday, Claire got a plastic tiara that said Birthday Girl. Was that like something one of her friends did or is it office policy? Should you talk to someone?

1:00PM: Maryssa comes to your desk to wish you Happy Birthday. You invite her to Margs. She earned it.

1:15PM: Yeah no, Claire totally got a plastic tiara that said Birthday Girl. And Gwen from HR gave it to her so it wasn’t like a friend thing.

1:20PM: Monique got a tiara, too now that you think of it.

1:30PM: Walk over to Maryssa’s desk and ask loudly if she’s ready to go get birthday Margs!!

1:45PM: Wait for Shawna at the Marg place, she was working on something, she’ll be right down.

2:00PM-3:30PM: 4 Margs.

4:15PM: Distribute the mini cupcakes you brought by saying “It’s MY birthday but YOUR lucky day hahahahaha”

5:00PM: Check Facebook. 84. Yes! Or whatever.

5:15–5:30PM: Work. On your birthday.

ughhhhh so unfair.

5:45PM: Get ready for Birthday Dinner with the GIRLS!

6:00PM: Text Heather and tell her it’s fine that she’s stuck at work and can’t make dinner.

6:15PM: Text Camila and tell her no way are you going to Heather’s roller skating birthday thing if she can’t take a freaking hour away from her freaking desk for your GD Birthday Jesus Christ.

6:20PM: OMG You know what? Paul got a tiara too.

6:30PM: 98 notifications. You could break a hundred by 7!

6:45PM: Get in the Lyft to dinner. Charge it to Mom. She’ll want you to. It’s your birthday!

7:00PM: Check Facebook. 106. Nailed it.

7:15PM: Roll up to the restaurant. Bethany has a tiara in her hand. She is your best friend.

7:15–9:15PM: 5 more Margs.

9:30PM: Text your friends saying it’s fine that they each bought you a drink but they could have at least split the fifth one it’s pretty weird that you had to spend money on your birthday and you already got cupcakes for work cause they forgot about you and you lvoe them and theyr liek your bes frends but you jus wanted a good birht day and sorry your even saynig anything but they shoud undestrand if theyre real frends.

10:00PM: GoSeep.

6:00AM: Check the Skimm. Maybe they were just off by a day.

Taylor Kay Phillips is a writer and comedian living in NYC. She’s a contributor to Reductress and a writer for the monthly show NightLate at the UCB. Follow her on Twitter to find out which doors she ran into this week @taykayphillips.