The Children’s Book “Press Here” as Read by a Helicopter Mom
Uh-oh. You pressed the dot six times instead of five.
Comfy? Okay, let’s get started. They’re saying you need to press this yellow dot, so go ahead and do that. Maybe use your pointer finger? That’s right. No, no, let’s let Mommy turn the pages since it’s our first time reading this book.
Now you’re supposed to press another yellow dot. But this time, maybe hold your finger on it for a second instead of just tapping it? Go on, don’t be afraid. No, not that one! The one on the right. The other right. Come on, you’re three now, you know this. Okay, one one thousand. Now lift your finger.
The book gave you a “Perfect,” so good job! Now rub the dot on the left. And the one on the right. The book’s saying, “Gently,” so let’s try to be a little less rough next time.
Tap the middle dot five times. Whoa — slow down. You’ve got just one more tap. Oh, sweetie! That was two taps, which makes a total of six. Now we have to start the book all over again.
Okay, we’re back again at the tapping page. This time, though, let’s hold hands and tap together. We’ll use your finger.
There — we got another “Perfect.” See what happens when we follow directions? Now we’re supposed to shake the book. Go ahead. Gently, though.
It’s saying you didn’t shake it hard enough, so let’s let Mommy do it this time, okay?
We only got a “Well done” for that one, which is rich since the book’s rated for preschoolers and I shook it perfectly. Anyway, we’re supposed to tilt the book to the left. Good. Now let’s tilt it to the right.
Yay! We got an “Excellent,” so we’re back on track. Except they want us to shake the book again, and they never told us what we did wrong the last time. Let’s do it together on the count of three, okay? Sweetie, I’m sorry, but you need to put down that Lego until we’re done with the book. Just lay it on the bed and grab my thumbs.
No feedback on that one, but I’m pretty sure our shaking was perfect. Now we need to press down really hard on all the yellow dots. Why don’t you tell me which ones are yellow and I’ll press them?
What? We got a “Not bad” this time, which is like a C, even though we nailed the assignment. Sure, it took us a while to find all of the yellow dots, but nobody said anything about a time limit.
We’re supposed to shake the book again. Here, why don’t you hold on to your Lego for a second while Mommy takes care of it?
I don’t know what went wrong, but do you see how the page is all dark and streaky? I need to blow on the dots to fix things so let’s have you scooch off my lap for a minute. All right, you can blow, too, but just once. Whoa — stop! Okay, what’s done is done, but that was more a spray than a blow. Let’s turn the page.
Oh, for heaven’s sake. Now they’re saying we didn’t blow hard enough. No, I’m sorry, sweetie. This time Mommy absolutely needs to do it on her own.
Son of a bi — . No, Mommy’s not mad at you. She’s just irritated because the book’s saying she blew too hard. Wait, shh, I need to read the directions to myself for a second. Okay, I think I’ve got it. If I hold the book up straight, it’ll make the dots fall back into place.
Okay, finally, we got another “Perfect.” Now they want me to clap my hands once. And twice. And three times. Tell you what — why don’t you count with me this time as I clap? One. Two. Three. Hurray!
Oh, for the love of Pete. Now they’re saying Mommy clapped too loudly. This is why it’s so important I help you with the book until we get it all figured out. Don’t cry, because look! They’re saying if I press a white dot, it’ll make all the giant spots go away.
And now we’re back to the yellow dot on the first page. What the heck kind of book is this anyway?
Lorraine Alden is an economist and, after decades of study, she can speak French as well as a native-born six-year-old, though with an accent. Her work has appeared in Points in Case, The Fiction Pool, and The Oregonian.
