8 Conclusive Reasons Why, Logically, It Was Completely Fine For Me to Hook Up With My Ex
Quantum theory supports that it both did and did not happen. Long story short, everything basically cancels out!
1) First of all, time is a flawed human construct.
Einstein’s postulates on special relativity support the notion that all moments of one’s life simultaneously exist at different points of a four-dimensional non-Euclidean space.
Therefore, semantically speaking, it’s impossible for us to have gotten back together, as somewhere in the space-time continuum simultaneously existed a moment where we were still together.
Technically, we were still dating. So it’s fine! Everything’s fine.
2) Neuroscience proves free will is an illusion.
Research pioneered by Benjamin Libet and later improved upon by numerous reputable neuroscientists provides evidence that our brains subconsciously “decide” to partake in an action before we consciously feel as though we’re making the decision to do so.
I hold that it’s unjust for one* to be held accountable for actions that were subconsciously determined without the input of a free will.
i.e., nothing is my fault.
*me, specifically and exclusively
3) Buddhists also don’t believe in free will, and they’re obviously much better people than the rest of us.
You think you’re of higher moral fiber than a devout Buddhist?
Me neither.
4) There is no objective morality.
In philosophy, meta-ethical moral relativists argue that morality is entirely subjective. Therefore, in morality-related disagreements, no action can be deemed “right” or “wrong”, as no ultimate “right” or “wrong” truly exists.
And if you disagree with that, you can take it up with former professor and winner of Princeton University’s Behrman Award for Distinguished Achievement in the Humanities, Gilbert Harman.
But I bet you’re right…
5) Quantum theory supports that it both did and did not happen.
Schrödinger’s Cat, or whatever. Long story short, everything basically cancels out! So it’s good! It’s fine!!
6) Cardi B also hooked up with her ex.
And look at how well her career is doing!
7) We can’t be sure of anything.
Scientists agree that there’s no such thing as proof — only evidence.
And in this case, there isn’t even evidence!
(At least not without a warrant, which you don’t have, right?)
Speaking of evidence, do we even know who really shot JFK? No, I’m not attempting to distract you from the argument, it’s just that if we can’t be 100% sure who shot JFK, what can we be sure of?!
8) I don’t even exist.
Many prominent philosophers, scientists, and Morpheus from “The Matrix” have suggested that we might be living in a simulation designed by an advanced civilization with enormous computing power. If I am merely a human simulation, do I really exist? And if I’m just some lines of code, I’m pretty sure I can’t hook up with anyone. That’d be ridiculous!
Also, why does it only matter when humans hook up with their exes? Moths and stuff probably hook up with their exes all the time and I never hear anyone talking about that.
Plus, define “hooking up”. Who even gets to decide what words mean, anyway? A bunch of old guys in a stuffy room full of rare books? That doesn’t seem fair. They don’t know my life.
Look — When it comes down to it, I think I’ve made it pretty compelling argument that we can’t be certain “I” exist or of anything at all.
Well, except for one thing: That it’s fine!! Everything. Is. Fine.
…it’s fine.
Megan Schwartz is an LA-based comedy writer, pug wrangler, and elastic waistband enthusiast. She has no regrets and is a confident decision-maker.
Read more of her work at www.pleasehiremegan.org and follow her on Twitter.
