The 7 Stages of Discovering Your Child Has Defaced an Ancient Statue with a Blue Crayon
Cedric wouldn’t deface a work of art. Cedric loves art!
Earlier this week, international news sources reported on a centuries-old statue of the nymph Sabrina being defaced at a British historical site after visiting children were given packs of crayons.
Stage 1: Shock
Am I crazy, or did the child of my loins scribble all over a statue of a Roman goddess? Please tell me these colored-in pupils, blue mustache, and Bowie-esque lightning squiggle have nothing to do with the stump of a blue crayon my darling Cedric is holding. Or perhaps I’m having a stroke. That would be preferable.
Stage 2: Denial
I had my back turned for what, two seconds? He wouldn’t do that. Cedric couldn’t deface a work of art. Cedric loves art.
Stage 3: Anger
Why in the ever-loving fuck would these museum people give children a pack of crayons — a very hidden pack of crayons I might add, at the bottom of a very full schwag bag — then set them loose among priceless statues? Priceless white statues. Poor Cedric probably thought he was supposed to color on them.
Stage 4: Bargaining
Listen, I’ll clean this up. I’ve got a hundred remedies for crayon on walls, crayon ground into carpets, even crayons lodged in nostrils. I’ve got a Magic Eraser in my car. Give me three minutes. I’ll get this thing good as new.
Stage 5: Depression
I’m a terrible parent. If I hadn’t been looking at my phone, this never would’ve happened. If only that twat Oliver from accounting hadn’t been hassling me about receipts, on a holiday I might add. I have a terrible job. A terrible job and a terrible child. FML.
Stage 6: Acceptance
Well, it’s done now. It’s just crayon. They’ll get their conservators in here lickety-split, old Sabrina will get a facelift, and no one will even remember this happened. It’s not like it’s an international incident, right?
Stage 7: Oh Shit
