Terms You Foolishly Misunderstood In My Rental Ad
A handy glossary to peruse, laminate and keep close at hand.
2-bedroom conversion: I “converted” my closet to have a futon in it.
Closet space: See above. The closet is your space.
Short-term let: Pay my rent while I go to Amsterdam. Also, pay for my trip to Amsterdam.
Open plan: The kitchen is the bathroom. The bathroom is the living room. My room is your room. Walls are curtains. Life’s a mystery. Free your mind and let me watch you shower.
Pets welcome: We have a rat problem. You were supposed to bring something that could hunt.
Skylight: The integrity of the ceiling has been compromised. You have a view of the sky.
Shared terrace: You say fire escape. I say terrace. Either way, it is shared.
Kitchenette: Kitchenette is the name of the electro-dub girl group that rehearses on the terrace.
Plenty of natural light: Compared to, say, a mineshaft (and I think you’ll find there’s a mineshaft two blocks over going for $5.2k/mo.), it has plenty of natural light. If you’re so desperate for vitamin D, go stand under your ceiling hole.
View of the skyline: Not my fault you can’t do parkour.
Classic brownstone moldings: Pretty sure that’s what those are. Could be poop.
Quirky: The third roommate is into microdosing meth.
Full of character: Sometimes he’s into fully dosing.
Area features global cuisine: The bodega on the corner sells sushi quesadillas.
Bustling neighborhood: I hear they have pretty solid Prime Day deals on stab-proof vests.
Multilingual household: Money. Cash. Dinero. Loot. Dough. Honk. Dosh. Boodle. Cheddar. Speak to me in whichever you choose.
Affordable: Not affordable.
Steps to the city center: Correct. 42,000 steps.
Quiet house: You. You be quiet. I recommend not asking meth guy to be quiet until you’ve bought your stab-proof vest.
Claire Haus is a comedian and writer based in London. She featured on ITV’s Stand Up Sketch Show and was a So You Think You’re Funny finalist. Time Out London named her one of the top four comics to follow online. Find her @clairehauscomedy and @dustycronuts.
