Self Isolation: A Tasting Menu
Welcome to Couch & Bed.
**Co-written by Caitlin Kunkel and Patty Terhune**
Welcome to Couch & Bed, the highly-rated home destination for excessive calorie consumption while quarantined. Exclusively available to patrons left to their own culinary devices for the foreseeable future, we invite you to embark upon a distinctive gastro-experience with this ten-course tasting menu:
Amuse-bouche: Dainty Deli Meat Handfuls
Charcuterie board? You’ll find nothing so fussy at Couch & Bed! Stroll up to the fridge, grab a packet of whatever nitrate-packed meat you were able to snatch among the crowd at the grocery store, then take it with you to lie down. Pop a handful of meats into your maw as you doomscroll on your phone. Each handful counts as one amuse-bouche.
Un Apéritif: Fermented House Wine
You’ll love the slightly stale, stinky notes of this $6 bottle of previously red, now weirdly purple liquor, leftover from Wine Wednesday four and a half months ago. Be sure to observe the undeniable notes of expired yogurt that fused with the wine while it fermented cork-less in the fridge for eighteen weeks, eighteen weeks in which you were allowed outside whenever you pleased.
Cracker Canapé
This delightful dish elevates tradition by showcasing a stale, dry texture! The star is a cracker that is smashed on top of another cracker. Your taste-buds will be blown away by the complex simplicity of the flavor profile. Served in the sleeve, many diners feel a sense of relief upon finishing this course — primarily because the crackers overtake stress as the cause of dry-mouth.
Cheese Board: A Hunk of Cheddar
If all those crackers made you crave cheese, well, there’s a block of old cheddar and a very dull knife just calling your name! Best consumed hunched over the sink salivating, like a gargoyle on top of a cathedral in France. Cannot be paired with crackers because you have already eaten them all and it doesn’t seem worth risking your health to go get more….or does it?
Intermezzo: Freezer-Flambéed Vanilla Ice Cream
This Vanilla Bean Häagen-Dazs in its natural container with a delicate, flavor-enhancing freezer-burn will cleanse your palate and ready it for the delights to come. Eat while standing next to the open freezer — the brisk chill heightens the experience and is the only temperature change you’ll feel all day. Anyway, why close the freezer door when you may need to open it again momentarily? Which brings us to…
Mid-Meal Non-Traditional Trader Joe Apps (Any/All)
Here at Couch & Bed we believe appetizers during a pandemic can be enjoyed at literally any moment without judgment, much like the movie “Center Stage.” Go ahead and mix your mini quiches, spanakopita, and cornbread bites onto one baking sheet, then slide into an oven without preheating. Scarf several and leave the rest scattered about the stove top, partially baked, for a treat in the middle of the night when you’re dragged from the sweet relief of sleep back into our collective waking nightmare
Le Surprise! Egg Du Jour
At some point during this panic feed, you will consume one egg. However — no set meal-time or expression of egg triumphs! You are as equally likely to end up with a soft-boiled egg at 4am, a hard-boiled egg at 8:42pm, or a scrambled egg at midnight — it all depends on when you feel motivated enough to clean the pan.
Main: Tuna, Dans La Sac
In fine dining, presentation is the stage on which your dish performs. Thus, we invite you to applaud for Starkist Ranch Flavored Tuna Creations, served in the torn plastic bag. Many patrons choose to suck this meat directly from the bag so as to not dirty a fork and add another task to their never-depleting to-do list. Brava!
After-Dinner Drinks: The Whiskey You Tried to Get Into But Didn’t Like During a Mad Men Binge…Two Years Ago? Four? More??
What even is time?
Dessert: Foraged Delights
The remainder of the Häagen-Dazs, an old piece of Halloween candy, and whatever else you can scrounge, served on a plate because all the bowls are crusted with previous days’ tasting menus. If appetite allows and brains are properly fried, you may chase this with several fistfuls of dry cereal, chewed open-mouthed like a cow chomping on cud, staring at nothing. Bon appetit, and we look forward to seeing you again at Couch & Bed in approximately fifty-four minutes!
Caitlin Kunkel is a Founding Editor of The Belladonna. Her ideal tasting menu is seven Red Baron frozen pizzas in a row. Follow her on Twitter @Kunkeltron.
Patty Terhune is a Managing Editor of The Belladonna. She has eaten every option of surprise egg. Follow her on Twitter @pattyterhune.
