Rules of the Gym Sauna

You have not truly saunaed unless you have seen a white light and felt the presence of death.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels

We hope you enjoy complimentary use of the gym’s sauna. Please respect others as you profusely perspire together for enjoyment and abide by the following rules:

1. The maximum capacity of the sauna is six. We recommend taking that number, times it by three and then add a zero to figure out the actual capacity.
2. If you find yourself feeling dizzy, moaning or singing Nelly’s “Hot in Herre,” this is a sign you need a break from the sauna.
3. Do not bring jewelry, your toothbrush, your razor, ice cream, a Rubiks cube or fliers for your new hipster church into the sauna.
4. Please leave electronics outside of this sacred space. However, if your iPhone has an especially large number of toxins to release, feel free to have it join you and allow it to melt from the inside out.
5. Do bring a towel to sit on so your sweaty body does not directly touch the bench. Hmm, it appears everyone forgot one today. No problem! You can easily rent a towel from the front desk for $75.
6. Listen to your body. While one to three fifteen minute rounds are typically recommended, you have not truly saunaed unless you have seen a white light, felt the presence of death and had a full conversation with a deceased loved one, all while appearing to peacefully meditate on the top bench.
7. Focus your intention on which ailment you have come to the sauna to heal, such as: anxiety, depression, insomnia, fatigue, muscle tightness, muscle looseness, inflammation, COVID, the flu, RSV, chronic pain, chronic illness, chronic anything, water weight, writer’s block, stage fright, looking haggard, the Sunday Scaries and Havana syndrome. Then thank the sauna.
8. Dress code: Appropriate attire consists of a swimsuit or workout gear, but not just any! That leopard string bikini you saw Bella Hadid wear on Instagram? Perfectly low-key for the sauna. Those strange looking wool sauna hats you’ve seen the old Russians wear at bathhouses? You’re not legit without it!
9. Please keep discussions to a minimum, as some people use the sauna for quiet relaxation. If you do feel the need to chat, acceptable topics include: that great deal you got on Facebook Marketplace, a list of classified documents you have at your private residence, your medical history, your dreams, a detailed account regarding a friend who owes you money from dinner last weekend and analyzing the entire discussion you had with your therapist.
10. Please refrain from discussing ice baths while in the sauna. We understand that some of you saw that Netflix GOOP episode on the therapeutic benefits of cold therapy, but we are heat people. Sweat is our God, heat is our totem, and humidity is our way of life.
11. If you sit next to the sand timer, you must stare at it at all times without blinking and ensure that you flip it immediately when the last grains of sand fall through, or you will be haunted by the ghost of Liutprand, the French monk believed to have invented the timer sometime in the 8th century AD.
12. Whoever is sitting closest to the water bucket is by default promoted to Sauna Overlord. He who hath control of the rocks, must be treated with respect, as it is extremely stressful to oversee the needs of the sauna constituency, who do not always agree on the acceptable humidity level. Some Overlords give up and decide to not do their job. This forces the commoners to step in and solve the steam problem at the community level by awkwardly saying, “Um, do you mind if I add some water to the rocks?”
13. When entering the sauna, cold air will enter along with you, and this typically pisses everyone off. Pretend you’re running from an apocalyptic robot-alien, and the sauna is your bunker. Get in there, close that goddamn door and save yourself!
14. Temperature in the sauna should not exceed 185 degrees. This is actually just a suggestion. Water boils at 212 degrees, which is where things really get fun. Go ahead, throw cold water at the sensor to trick it and then heat this mother up.
15. Yes of course we clean the sauna. No, it is not very often.

Laura Lane is a journalist, comedy writer and former podcaster of the popular This Is Why You’re Single podcast, which was adapted from her first book and was optioned for television by the Pop Network (she co-wrote the pilot). Her most recent book, “Cinderella and the Glass Ceiling” was also optioned for television. She’s written for The New Yorker, Rolling Stone, San Francisco Chronicle, Esquire, Vanity Fair, People, Cosmopolitan, The Washington Post, McSweeney’s and was a former columnist for ESPN and an editor at Life & Style and In Touch Weekly.

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