Roseanne Roseannadanna from SNL’s Weekend Update Responds to the Baby Formula Shortage
For American Women, if it’s not one thing it’s another.
I received a letter. It said:
Dear Roseanne Roseannadanna,
I keep reading that there is a baby formula shortage. What should I do? What if my wife and new baby can’t get formula? Can my wife just make the food my baby needs?
Signed, Mr. Richard Feder from Fort Lee, New Jersey.
Mr. Richards, you wrote to the right lady, because I, Roseanne Roseannadanna, recently had a baby and I learned a lot of neat things. Like people believe milk just comes out you like a garden hose, but it doesn’t. So I said to myself, how often do I have to make breastmilk? Will my body ever not look like a lumpy bag of frozen tater tots? Which boob do I use? Do I use my favorite one? Do I use a special bra? Where do I get the bra? Does my doctor buy it for me? If I can’t feed my kid will my kid die? And if they die, what do I do? New moms ask a lot of stupid questions. But I didn’t give up.
I went to talk to Ms. Supermom herself, Amy Coney Barrett. I met her for lunch. You know what she ate? Turkey and mayo on lettuce instead of bread and there was a mealy tomato that kept falling out. Anyway, I poured on the charm and my itty bitty baby was so cute, but my boob started leaking and the baby pooped one of those Dijon mustard looking turds and Justice Barrett said, “what are you trying to do, make me sick?”
Personally, I don’t like to pull my boob out in public. Not because I don’t have a great rack, but why should I waste it on a bunch of strangers? Besides like my aunt Johanna Roseanndanna always told me, breastmilk is like Spanish tapas, you never get enough. Not like the good kind of tapas, like the little dates stuffed with the cheese wrapped in bacon. But those teeny tiny plates of olives. Have you ever seen anyone take home leftover tapas? No! It is real sad.
So I bought one of those fancy shmancy breast pumps. That’s when I learned I have a milk ducts like the vents in your attic that move the air around your house. But my ducts were all clogged. Boy, did it hurt. I thought I was gonna die! I tried tugging and smooshing my boob all around and then I noticed my nipples were all cracked and dried instead of pink and bumpy. Here I am, a mom with a whole week off of work to bond with my baby and I can’t stop looking at my boobs.
My doctor told me, what makes mom happy makes baby happy and when I told her formula makes me happy, she kind scrunched up her face like when you’re holding in a fart. It just goes to show you, it’s always something.
Kealey Boyd is a writer and critic based in Denver, Colorado. She is a regular contributor to Hyperallergic and has written for Art Papers, College Art Asssociation, Artillery Magazine and elsewhere. She is the art consultant to the national literary journal Copper Nickel and is a lecturer in Art History and Theory at Metropolitan State University of Denver. Find her @KealeyBoyd on Twitter.
