Popular Fairy Tales Updated for 2019
Time for these fantasies to get real
Rapunzel
Rapunzel shaved her head in the days following the 2016 election and loved it so much that she’s been experimenting with different length clipper guards ever since. She’s never ever growing her hair out again, but she IS considering shaving Edvard Munch’s The Scream into the side of her scalp for the 2019 Women’s March.
The Little Mermaid
Rather than Ariel turning into a human, Eric is turned into a merman — since we all decided recently that we are very into having sex with fish.
Cinderella
After not being able to get enough cleaning work to support herself from the evil TaskRabbit, Cindy moonlit for a bit letting foot fetishists touch her feet through Craigslist. She eventually earned so much through that she rebranded as a foot model on Instagram and quickly gained two million followers. She pays her three part-time employees (a virtual assistant, a professional photographer, and an SEO specialist) fair wages and provides them insurance, even though she doesn’t have to legally.
Goldilocks
The three bears had her arrested for home invasion and trespassing but because the cops went to high school with her dad and she’s white, they let her off with just a warning.
The Princess and the Pea
The Princess spends all of 2019 using up free trials on Casper, Leesa and Tuft & Needle, returning each bed to get a full refund after 100 days. This process distracts her from the fact that she has been in public service as a teacher in a low-income area for nine years and ten months working toward student loan forgiveness, and now she isn’t sure that is ever going to come through. That knowledge may be why she can’t sleep at night — not the mattress.
Sleeping Beauty
The Prince never kisses Aurora without her consent. She ends up sleeping for a century like Maleficent intended and wakes up feeling amazing, honestly.
Caitlin Kunkel is a comedy writer, satirist, and one of the co-founders of The Belladonna. Her idea of a happy ending involves 10 hours of sleep and never-ending deep dish pizza from Lou Malnati’s. Follow her on Twitter @Kunkeltron