Pandemic Phrases Updated for an Era When I Can Have Casual Sex Again

Can’t wait ’til the CDC’s only concern is my sex life.

A mask is something you still wear, but mostly to disguise yourself when leaving one of your many lovers’ houses. (Photo by Tonik on Unsplash)

Imagine it: the pandemic is over. Most of us are vaccinated. Life has returned to “normal.” And the terminology we heard day after day for so long has been given new meaning — particularly by single people who tweeted about sex during quarantine instead of having it.

Super-Spreader Event

When people can safely and collectively begin sleeping around again.

“Four of my single friends told me they got laid last night — the Super-Spreader Event has begun.”

Essential Business

Casual sex.

“Do you know where Sara is?” “She’s out doing essential business.”

Pod

The number of men I’m seeing at any given time, usually between 2–15.

“I’m seeing at least half of my pod tonight.”

Contactless

When a date and I don’t hook up.

“Our date was so contactless, he didn’t even kiss me goodnight.”

Zoom