Pandemic Phrases Updated for an Era When I Can Have Casual Sex Again
Can’t wait ’til the CDC’s only concern is my sex life.
Imagine it: the pandemic is over. Most of us are vaccinated. Life has returned to “normal.” And the terminology we heard day after day for so long has been given new meaning — particularly by single people who tweeted about sex during quarantine instead of having it.
Super-Spreader Event
When people can safely and collectively begin sleeping around again.
“Four of my single friends told me they got laid last night — the Super-Spreader Event has begun.”
Essential Business
Casual sex.
“Do you know where Sara is?” “She’s out doing essential business.”
Pod
The number of men I’m seeing at any given time, usually between 2–15.
“I’m seeing at least half of my pod tonight.”
Contactless
When a date and I don’t hook up.
“Our date was so contactless, he didn’t even kiss me goodnight.”
Zoom
A verb used to describe how quickly I leave a hook-up’s house.
“Thanks for last night, gotta zoom.”
PPE
Post-Pandemic Encounters — sexual or otherwise.
“What’s the hottest PPE you’ve had so far?”
A Global Crisis
What I tell my friends I’m having, hyperbolically, in various dating instances.
“OMG, Lindsey, I’m having a global crisis — I forgot to take my birth control.”
Contact Tracing
What I have to do when a man texts me, and I haven’t saved his number in my phone.
“Just spent 30 minutes contact tracing this guy who claims we dated before the pandemic.”
Positive
This is no longer in reference to COVID results, but the type of reinforcement I’m getting from all the sleeping around I’m doing.
