Other Reveal Parties Besides Gender
Surprise! We’re learning SO many new things about each other.
Personal Hygiene Reveal Party: He thinks flossing his teeth every night is optional? He doesn’t like the way you cough into your hand? Um, this might be a bon voyage party.
Big Twist in Gone Girl Reveal Party: So, it turns out that not everyone in the office lunch room has seen the movie or read the book, even though it came out, like, 35 years ago, come fricking on, Lois. Anyway, surprise!
Underwear Reveal Party: Seems you forgot two things: first, that your neighbor cuts the grass on Saturday mornings. Second, to close the living room blinds last night before trundling off to bed after your giant glass of wine. So, you’re a white cotton hipsters kind of gal, huh?
Actual Taste in Music Reveal Party: We foolishly thought that taking a road trip would be so much fun, but it turns out that Nebraska is 25 hours long, so let’s get out those old CD binders gathering dust in the trunk and see what we learn. Oh, hey — the deluxe edition of Gord’s Gold! Whoo!
Well, I Guess You Now Know What I Really Think About Your Animaniacs Tattoo Reveal Party: A virtual get-together, because apparently, I still don’t really understand how texting works and included you on a group chat. Also, probably a bon voyage party.
Who You Actually Voted For Reveal Party: After four beers, three hours, and one too many allusions to “Fox & Friends” at your in-laws’ annual bar-b-que, let the chips fall where they may when Mr. Jenkins starts a sentence with “Well, if I was a lady owner of an NFL team…”.
As It Turns Out, You Hate Your Job Reveal Party: A party almost always thrown in the depths of your soul at your child’s Career Day, after being asked “Right, but what do you actually do all day?” by his classmate for the third time.
We Found a Problem Reveal Party: Takes place at every single visit to your mechanic, leading you to suspect he is making up the name of a non-existent auto part, then telling you it needs to be fixed. The budget for this party is always about $700 more than you anticipated.
The End of The Sixth Sense Reveal Party: My God, Lois, what have you been watching for the last 20 years?!
Your Child’s True Interests Reveal Party: You wanted a little ballerina? Too bad, you got the second lead in “Fiddler on the Roof.” You can’t wait to watch your Mathlete? Sorry, he’s interested in being on the church altar guild. You hoped for a cellist? See you at the rugby pitch!
Actual Feelings About “Cheers” Reveal Party: It’s a little over-rated, that’s all I’m saying.
Waiting Outside in the Woods Next to Your House to See if Your Spouse Really Does “Have Trouble Opening the Garbage Can” Or Is Just Too Lazy to Take It Out on Thursday Evenings Reveal Party: Definitely a surprise party.
Reveal Party Reveal Party: Actually, this is just “Never Have I Ever,” and you should probably decline that invitation.
Shannon Reed’s work has been published in The New Yorker, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency and a bunch more places. She apologizes to Ted Danson, no slight was intended, call me. www.shannonreed.org
