Number of Ladybugs In Your House and the Corresponding Portents of Doom
Ladybugs, ew!
Lying awake at night, wired as hell from the sugar in your Bud Light Lime-A-Rita, it is only natural to start ruminating on the trouble that has been, or someday could be, manifesting around you. One might be tempted to blame their own poor life choices, or the chaos of the universe. In reality, there is one or more ladybug in your home. That pestilence will be the architect of your ruin.
Some people believe that killing ladybugs is bad luck. This could not be further from the truth. Ladybugs are tiny harbingers of doom whose presence foretells grave danger on the horizon. Killing them on sight is the only way to truly control your destiny and prevent life’s perils from impacting your wellbeing. Read this guide to decipher the omen of ladybugs in your residence and what it could mean for your future.
1 ladybug:
The estranged account holder of the HBO GO you have been using since college will abruptly change their password.
2 ladybugs:
One year sex drought.
3 ladybugs:
Your local store will run out of Bud Light Razz-Ber-Itas and you will have to settle for the vastly inferior Bud Light Straw-Ber-Itas.
4 ladybugs:
A loved one will fall victim to the Kennedy Curse.
5 ladybugs:
You will post an innocuous status on Facebook that will become the arena for an unhinged debate between two of your friends about a tangentially related geopolitical issue.
6–11 ladybugs:
Your roommate will get a pet tarantula and an ill-fitting tank cover.
12 ladybugs:
You will take a swig of your Straw-Ber-Ita only to realize that you have swallowed a dead ladybug that has crawled inside the can and drowned.
12 ladybugs and a WASP:
Racy photos from your long dormant MySpace account will be used to catfish recently paroled felons.
13 ladybugs:
Donald Trump is re-elected in 2020.
14–32 ladybugs:
A treasured relative will reveal themselves to be a men’s rights activist.
33 ladybugs:
Cat piss EVERYWHERE. Don’t ask how.
33 ladybugs and a SPIDER:
Your weed guy will stop answering your texts.
34 ladybugs:
Someone you hate will start frequenting a bar that you love.
35–40 ladybugs:
You will repurpose an existing cover letter when applying for a dream job and accidentally leave in the name of a different company from the previous iteration.
41 ladybugs:
Food poisoning on an airplane.
42 ladybugs:
A close talking Tinder date with halitosis is in your near future.
42 live ladybugs and 1 dead ladybug:
A rival coworker will unearth your Live Journal entries from high school.
43+ ladybugs:
Your drop off laundry service will get caught selling soiled undergarments to fetishists on the internet.
Emily Niland is an illustrator and comedy writer living in Brooklyn. She has no history of arson.