Now Selling: The Haunted House Of Your Dreams!
It may act as a limbo for those who have yet to cross over, but there is no mold!
They say it’s a seller’s market right now, but boy oh boy, do I have a deal on a home that is going to blow your mind! Are you a young, newlywed couple perfectly naïve and filled with hope? A charming family with 2.5 children looking to move due to the father’s job? A single woman new to town and working at the local library? Look no further. This house on Mephistopheles Hill is the answer to your prayers (or seances).
This is a house that is bound to be filled with love and laughter. Particularly the laughter. If you hear it in the night, don’t worry, that’s just Timothy, the Victorian child who lived in this house and died of Scarlet Fever. He loves hide & seek, opening cabinets, and writing on steamed up bathroom mirrors. You’ll be constantly entertained!
This home is in such a quiet neighborhood. It is far enough removed from the highway not to get any of the noise of passing cars and is not within flight track so no airplanes flying overhead! You’ll live in total peace…aside from the 3am wailing.
Technically a 3 bedroom/4 bath, but with the walls constantly moving and all the hidden doors, it feels so much bigger!
Looking to meet people in town? No worries! Everyone in town will know that you are the new owner and will make it their business to warn you about the house’s history. Sounds like a conversation starter with a new friend to me!
This house was built hundreds of years ago so there were no zoning laws about building on an ancient Indian burial ground. No fines for you!
All former residents have loved his house! In fact, the last homeowner would have stayed forever, had they not been a part of a brutal murder/suicide, the likes of which the local sheriff had never seen before.
Aesthetically, this home has a gorgeous Victorian style, but it’s not all old! The west wing of the home was renovated after the mysterious fire. You know what that means…new appliances!
Should you paint your walls or commit to the expensive and possibly not on trend (depending on the week you decide) choice of wallpaper? Well, you don’t need to choose! The walls bleed every night, resulting in a constant fresh look! You won’t see that on Kirsten Dunst’s Architectural Digest tour!
If you want your privacy, this is perfect! The neighbors will mostly keep to themselves since they try not to get too attached to any of this home’s owners.
But that’s not all! If you put over 30% down, not only will we waive all closing costs, but we’ll throw in a complimentary exorcism from the local clergyman. Plus, he is so familiar with the house (due to his many visits) that he even has a rewards program! Four exorcisms and he’ll officiate your funeral for free!
Basically, this is the perfect home for a Millennial first-time homeowner. Currently taking offers starting at $3.2M with the contingency of waiving the home inspection.
Rebecca Flynn works in television in Los Angeles. She has never seen “Star Wars” and considers it a personality trait.
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