No Situation On Earth Will Prevent Me from Replying “LOL” to Your Hilarious Texts
You can always count on me to remember what’s most important
During a break-up
My boyfriend is telling me he wants to end our eight-year relationship when a quiet *ding* alerts me to the arrival of your latest text message. I surreptitiously open it while concealing my phone underneath the tabletop so that I can see your GIF of a cat falling off the back of a sofa. As I nod sympathetically in response to my boyfriend’s tearful explanation that he can’t stay with somebody who never gives him her full attention, I reply to you with a laughing face emoji.
During a job interview
I’ve just been asked to describe a time when I demonstrated a high degree of professionalism under pressure. My smartwatch informs me that you’ve texted me a joke about corporate hiring practices. I hold up one hand to ask for a pause while I respond to your text with a quick lol. Then I say, “As you can see, I never let anything distract me from the most important task at hand.” They ask me to leave. As I am escorted out of the building I’m already sending a follow-up text to tell you how hilarious you are.
During a proposal
My boyfriend is on one knee in the middle of the ristorante. The waiter is hovering in the background with a bottle of champagne. I can tell that everyone around me is holding their breath, so I try to concentrate on what’s important: sending you my reply of LMAO in response to your text message of a ring emoji, a vomiting-face emoji, and a question mark.
During an arrest
The police officer is explaining that I was driving at 20 mph over the speed limit, and I have to say I’m surprised to hear it — not because I think I was driving more slowly than that, but because I’m surprised I can hear anything over all my lol-ing. Who wouldn’t laugh at the way Siri’s voice sounds blasting through my car speakers and reading your texted instructions to “call me when you’re home, skank”? When I refuse to put my phone away I’m asked to step out of the vehicle. As I do so I declare that the real crime would’ve been to let your hilarious text message go without an immediate reply of ROFL.
During childbirth
While screaming my way through the birth of my first child, I hear my husband yell that I’ve received a text message from you. He holds it up so I can see how hilarious it is. I’m crying so much that all I can see is a colorful blur, but I slap the nurse who keeps telling me to “just breathe” and howl at my husband to text you the vital reply: OMG. LOL.
During my child’s high school graduation ceremony
Just as my youngest is thanking me in her valedictory address, I see that you’ve texted me a selfie of you crossing your eyes while pretending to gnaw on the head of your chihuahua. I pretend to hold my phone up in order to take a photo of my child. In fact, I’m replying to you with LOLLLL before the people seated around me can see what I’m doing.
During an emergency landing
I’ve managed to text you from the plane to say that we’re making an emergency landing. Everyone around me is in the brace position. The elderly lady in the window seat next to me is praying fervently. I’m praying, too — praying the onboard Wi-Fi holds out long enough for me to reply to your scared Macaulay Culkin GIF so you’ll know I’m lol-ing as we spiral towards the earth.
During my father’s funeral
While delivering the eulogy, I feel my iPhone 32XL vibrate in my pocket. Without skipping a beat, I hold it up behind the lectern. I can just make out your text: “I hope your eulogy slays.” I work an anecdote into my speech about how Dad once sat on our old cat, Fluffernutter, and hit the dictation key on my phone. “LOL, amirite?” I say, before hitting send.
On my own deathbed
My children and grandchildren stand around me, weeping quietly. Just as the priest is administering my last rites, my iPhone 5000 buzzes. My firstborn hands it to me so that I can read your hilarious text message. As I breathe my last, my trembling fingers manage to tap out OMG L…O… before the phone drops from my lifeless hand. With a sob, my firstborn enters the final “L” and hits send, explaining to the priest, “It’s what she would have wanted.”
Mary Flannery is a comedy writer from L.A. running wild in the Swiss Alps. You can find more of her work in McSweeney’s, Points in Case, 251, The Daily Drunk, Greener Pastures, and other humor publications. She is also a medievalist who considers Chaucer the ‘little black dress of medieval poets’ (i.e. perfect for all occasions).
