Nine Simple Rules for Watching My Beloved Cat Who is Definitely Not a Living Terror

Like I told you before, he’s super low maintenance and won’t give you any trouble.

Published in

The Belladonna Comedy

Nov 14, 2023

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A watercolor and ink-drawn orange cat sits on a light pink background. Text reads: Hey Bethany! Thanks again for agreeing to watch my sweet boy Jasper while I’m out of town. Like I told you before, he’s super low maintenance and won’t give you any trouble. Here are just a few simple things I forgot to mention when we talked:

An illustration of an orange cat with his hair exploding out all around him. Text reads: 1. Jasper can only eat the special kibble I’ve left for him or literally all of his fur will fall out. Seriously, if you even drop a crumb of something you’re eating, pick it up immediately because he’ll find it like a heat-seeking missile and then poof! It’s like a dandelion in the wind.

An illustrated orange cat eats out of a glass bowl with his butt in the air. An arrow points to the base of his tail. Text reads: 2. Speaking of eating, you need to put one finger, applying medium pressure, at the spot where his spine meets the base of his tail. Keep it there the entire time. He won’t eat otherwise.

The orange cat sits with his paws covering his eyes with his food dish in front of him. Text reads: 3. It’s also really important you don’t look at him while he eats. At all, even if you think his back is turned. He’s very food shy and I try to respect that.

An orange cat wearing a top hat and a bow tie sits on a light purple background. Text reads: 4. Jasper often finds his name too formal because he is a man of the people, so if you want him to come to you, you may have to call for Mr. Floofface J. McSillybones.

An angry orange cat sticks his head and paw out a mail slot in a brown door. Text reads: 6. Jasper is in an ongoing blood feud with our mailman Mike. When Mike comes, it is imperative that Jasper be kept away from the mail slot at all costs because he can get a surprising amount of his body through that slot when motivated, and when it comes to Mike, he aims to kill. Unfortunately, there isn’t a standard mail time, so you have to remain vigilant. We can’t have another lawsuit.

An orange cat squats in a litter box. Text reads: 7. Jasper will only poop with an audience. I know this is confusing since he’s a shy eater, but that’s just my funny boy! If you see him go toward the litter box, please follow and offer gentle words of encouragement like, “You go, J-Man!” or “Nice squat formation!” He appreciates a little golf clap as he covers.

The back of an orange cat’s head with arrows in a counterclockwise circle. Text reads: 8. Jasper loves to be petted! He likes counterclockwise (never clockwise!) rubs between his ears. Don’t touch him anywhere else or he may be driven to act out, which is so unlike him otherwise.

An orange cat sits in the foreground with a small pineapple in his mouth. In the background, a woman struggles to shove a large refrigerator. Text reads: 9. Jasper has one toy pineapple he loves more than life itself. He frequently gets it stuck under the fridge and will sit there and yowl until you free it. You simply have to shove the fridge a couple feet over so he can get it. Good thing you’re strong lol

An orange cat lies, sleeping peacefully. Text reads: That’s really about it. You’re going to have so much fun with my little angel. Call if you need anything, but remember I won’t have service most of the time. Thanks a million! Jane

Kelli Huggins is a writer, artist, and historian (sometimes all three at the same time). She can be found talking about 19th century dogs and other weird old stuff on Instagram and Twitter @KelliHuggins and at kellihuggins.com.

Kelli Huggins

Written by Kelli Huggins

Writer for

The Belladonna Comedy

Writer, artist, historian

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