New Seasonal Flavors for Alcoholic Seltzers

Sarah Solomon
The Belladonna Comedy
3 min readNov 11, 2019

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Find out about the latest autumn offerings!

Embrace it! (Image via Pexels.)

Dumb Bitch Fall

Our most nuanced display of seltzer prowess yet with notes of caramel, honey and oak for the most discerning of palettes. We suggest pairing with aged prosciutto and stuffed grape leaves, among other charcuterie. Or just pounding a six-pack when Brad doesn’t text back because it’s cuffing season and you can do SO MUCH better.

Taupe
Exclusively for ladies of a certain age that revel in cashmere and carry oversized totes filled with travel-sized moisturizers — meet the new Chardonnay. Rather than embrace wine mom tropes, why not knock back a few tastefully neutral cans that concentrate on getting you the most fucked up with the fewest number of calories? Exclusively available at SoulCycle, Equinox, and Whole Foods.

Virgin Sacrifice

It’s not a horror movie, it’s a new year of high school and your parents won’t stop asking you about the details of HBO’s “Euphoria.” Hints of lavish, reckless abandon, and frustration are found in the sweet cherry flavor that harkens back to the fan favorites of youth and most importantly, it’s double the regular ABV!!

Pumpkin Spice

The most sought after and least original flavor. If the bar is on the floor, we’re happy to gingerly step over it with a subtle PSL mix that doesn’t hit you over the head like someone who REALLY wants to add you on LinkedIn. Hurry and get our special edition case that’s wrapped in a plaid blanket scarf!!

Plums

I have drank
the plum seltzers

that were in your icebox

and which

you were probably

saving for breakfast hair-of-the-dog

Forgive me

they were delicious
so sweet
and so cold

and everything hurts
so much

Scorched Earth

Disillusioned by the never-ending afternoons spent in your investment office while everyone else escaped to the Hamptons, you long to burn memories of working Summer Fridays to the ground. Vest season is your reckoning. Enter Scorched Earth, which can neatly fit in your Fratagonia or Barbour pockets. Comes in 60 packs.

Turning Leaves
“It doesn’t get more romantic than watching the leaves turn in New York…I feel like I’m living in a Nora Ephron novel.” The squirrel blankly stared at Rachel, livid from the lack of ethically-sourced walnuts. This was Central Park West, after all. Rachel ignored the elitist rodent and took a hearty gulp of her autumn-themed seltzer, with notes of vanilla and cardamom for more sophisticated tastes.

Apple Picking Juice
For those who are roped into Extremely Fall activities by their significant other, we have your sweet, sweet release. Numb the pain of having to pose with yet another gourd for Instagram, or traveling way too far for an orchard that allows photography. Can we help your taste in partners? No. But we can provide a hint of tart apple, sweetened with agave and bottled with fizzy goodness. Heck, we’ll even throw in a flannel koozie.

Black(out) Magic

For those who prefer to drink alone in the fading twilight as the shorter, colder hours claim another fruitless day. Our dark marriage of black cherry and absinthe pairs best with a cigarette, your unfinished manuscript, and the fanciest cheese that was on sale. While this can’t take the edge off an upcoming literary reading, it’ll at least postpone figuring out which outfit you’re going to wear that flatters your body type, photographs well, and makes you look like a writer rather than the result of a panicked trip to J. Crew after bottomless brunch.

Sarah Solomon is a writer in NYC and the author and illustrator of Guac Is Extra But So Am I: The Reluctant Adult’s Handbook. You can follow her on Twitter @sarahsolfails or @urbanJAP.

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