New Hobbies for Reply Guys
Craft paper mache versions of fabergé eggs
By Rima Parikh and Clare Austen-Smith
“A reply guy is a term for a man who frequently comments on tweets or other social media posts in an annoying, condescending, forward, or otherwise unsolicited manner– especially posts by women. It can also refer to a person who frequently and zealously responds to posts from famous people on Twitter.” — Dictionary.com.
Learn how to do at-home pedicures. You can participate in self-love and also enjoy your own beautiful, luscious feet.
Redecorate your room. A Himalayan salt lamp for ambiance, some art for the bare walls, and a mirror so you can look at yourself every time you tag a woman’s joke.
Make a vision board. Find out who you really are so that your next Twitter handle doesn’t have ten numbers in it.
Disconnect the internet and move to a beautiful cabin in rural Wisconsin to shout your thoughts into nature. Did you think that article was a little funny, but also, stupid? Do you have a pro tip about ordering at Dunkin’ Donuts? Scream it into the romantic air of summer dusk, to the fireflies, and most importantly, to yourself.
Get really into cars. And then only comment on pictures of cars from this point forward.
Churn butter. It’s fulfilling and delicious, and just as likely to give you carpal tunnel as typing, based on how fast you’re firing off these tweets, pal.
Start birdwatching. There are plenty of hot, sexy birds in your area, looking to be identified based on a nature guide.
Study woodworking. Build a big, rich mahogany box around your keyboard so that you can never touch it again.
Investigate making pasta from scratch. It will give you a research project that isn’t finding new ways to say “let me LICK your butth0le.”
Craft paper mache versions of fabergé eggs. It’s historical and all the women who would appreciate them conveniently died in the 1600s.
Gain a deep understanding of natural wine. People will actually listen to you, especially if you drop the words “mineral-ly” or “stone fruit.”
Do parkour. Instead of checking notifications for your tweets — you don’t have your phone because you didn’t want it to fall out of your wallet-chained-pocket — vault over a 4-foot-tall hedge in a public park.
Rima Parikh is a comic. Find her on Twitter at @rimaparikh12.
Clare Austen-Smith is a comedian in Chicago. Find her online at @okayclare. Pursuing comedy has given her the undying respect of her peers and only one stalker.
