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Nancy Pelosi Commemorates Famous Historical Deaths
She really appreciates your sacrifice!
“Thank you, George Floyd, for sacrificing your life for justice. For being there to call out to your mom — how, how heartbreaking was that — call out for your mom, ‘I can’t breathe’. Because of you and because of thousands, millions of people around the world who came out for justice, your name will always be synonymous with justice.” — Nancy Pelosi
The Titanic
“Thank you, passengers of the RMS Titanic, for sacrificing yourselves in the frozen waters of the North Atlantic Ocean for James Cameron. For being there to call out for lifeboats — how, how heartbreaking was that — call out for lifeboats, ‘Our hearts will go on’. Because of you and because of the thousands, millions of people around the world who came out for the hit Blockbuster movie based on your deaths, your sacrifice will always be synonymous with Kate and Leo having sweaty sex in a car.”
Pompeii
“Thank you, citizens of Pompeii, for willingly giving up your lives in the choking ash clouds of Mount Vesuvius. You all yelled, “It’s getting kinda hot in here!” which was probably very heartbreaking, but just know that because of the cool way in which you died, your names will always be synonymous with museum exhibits featuring your petrified corpses in really sad positions. The saddest one is always that dog. Poor little guy.”
The Black Death
“Thank you, medieval people, for dying in the streets so that everyone could have more living space in Europe. Because of the millions and millions of you who suffered agonizing fates at the hands of a merciless disease (heartbreaking!), we now know that rats are scary and pandemics are bad. Your names will always make me think of those gross underarm boils, which, in retrospect, is kind of rude of you?”
The Challenger Explosion
“Thanks, astronauts, for agreeing to sacrifice yourself in the name of space travel (which I wouldn’t have done, personally, but because you’re dead I guess it would be mean of me to say that it’s your own fault). NASA is really grateful for the new knowledge it now has about, what does this note say, rocket boosters? Rocket boosters.”
