My Mom At 30 vs. Me At 30 vs. A Cursed Medieval Sorceress at 30 in 1587
MY MOM: Had one roommate (her husband).
ME: Has two roommates.
CURSED MEDIEVAL SORCERESS: Lived in a commune with the 14 remaining members of her coven that weren’t wiped out by the Bubonic Plague — technically 15, as Yadwiga and Irena were conjoined twins.
MY MOM: Married.
ME: Single, but looking!
CURSED MEDIEVAL SORCERESS: After being cursed by a warlock ex, she preferred to keep things casual as a mistress and venerable sex machine to several men and women whom she beguiled with love potions.
MY MOM: Not a witch.
ME: A “witch.”
CURSED MEDIEVAL SORCERESS: Literally actually a witch.
MY MOM: Gainfully employed.
ME: Underemployed.
CURSED MEDIEVAL SORCERESS: Didn’t have a “job” per se, as capitalism as we know it today did not yet exist, and while feudalism is a poisoned system in its own right, the cursed medieval sorceress remained outside the system by bartering hexes and potions and general witchery.
MY MOM: An excellent cook.
ME: Hopeless in the kitchen.
CURSED MEDIEVAL SORCERESS: Ate live chickens.
MY MOM: Proud dog-owner.
ME: Wants a dog, but I don’t have enough space!
CURSED MEDIEVAL SORCERESS: Historically, dogs were not yet domesticated and therefore not kept as pets.
MY MOM: Only drank upscale wines.
ME: Still drinks rail vodka.
CURSED MEDIEVAL SORCERESS: Drank an alcoholic beverage that’s pure ethanol, sprigs of rosemary, and a local vassal’s tears.
MY MOM: Pregnant with my sister.
ME: Kids? Ugh, I can barely take care of myself!
CURSED MEDIEVAL SORCERESS: A mother, but only in the sense that she was the “mother figure” to various swamp creatures who lived in the outskirts of her village. They couldn’t talk, but yet she understood them.
