Miss GOP Manners’ Guide to Honorable Etiquette
Dos and Don’ts for Proper Politicians
“I thought her comments were disgraceful…I think she dishonored herself and her family.” — President Trump, speaking on Representative Rashida Tlaib saying “we’re going to impeach the motherfucker.”
To be considered an honorable politician, one must not speak or act in a rude manner, outside of a few, unique circumstances. To help differentiate between moments that necessitate decorum and more appropriately profane instances, I have laid out a few key cases below.
Sporting events tend to get a bit rough and tumble, but that is not cause to lose one’s ability to articulate their feelings properly. Even if one is certain the Yalie deserves it. However, if one wishes to convey his frustration at a footballer’s protest against police brutality, one may suggest that the owners of these sporting teams extricate their dissenting players by stating, “Get that son-of-a-bitch off the field right now.”
In discussing matters of foreign policy, one cannot be too careful. A handshake here, a delicate compliment there, it is all part of “the dance” as it were. Except, of course, when one is asking the pertinent question, “Why are we having all these people from shithole countries come here?” What an elegant turn of phrase.
To be clear, though, a politician must never, ever call another politician, “racist.” It is as vile as the n-word, which, as all honorable politicians know, there is no proof the President has used.
When speaking with one’s fellow on a private autobus about matters of the heart and loin, one may find that “locker room” talk is quite fitting. In this case, referring to courting the fairer sex as, “grabbing ’em by the pussy.” If that does not emphasize the point, please feel free to explicate by stating that you tried to, “move on her like a bitch.”
However, when one political party has emotionally and physically traumatized children, it is unnecessarily hurtful for the opposing party to call them “heartless” and “cruel.” Remember, despite our disagreements, all politicians have feelings. Children, though? Debatable.
Although one might be find the idea of a thirty-something man co-mingling with a teenage child abhorrent, one must also listen to the proverbial political winds. In this case, it is entirely appropriate to pontificate, “Democrats refusal to give even one vote for massive Tax Cuts is why we need Republican Roy Moore to win in Alabama.”
However, a Democratic congresswoman must never — before, during, or after her political career — dance on video. A woman’s arms swaying higgledy-piggledy disgraces the nation.
One must always have kindness and empathy for others. That is, unless the “other” is a reporter with whom one disagrees. Then, it is absolutely necessary to uphold your honor against that of the reporter by mimicking his arthrogryposis condition in front of thousands of one’s most ardent devotees.
After a threat or assault against journalists, the moment calls for grief, sympathy, and condolences by way of calling them, “the Enemy of the People.” Please note the capitalization.
Most importantly, a Democratic congresswoman must not use the phrase “impeaching the motherfucker” in reference to the President of the United States. Instead, turn to that President’s (former) Secretary of State, for he may privately call the President a “fucking moron.”
That is the honorable thing to do.
Sasha Stewart (The Nightly Show with Larry Wilmore) is the MOST POLITE person you’ve ever met, goddammit. You can find her on Twitter @ArtfulStew and on Instagram @glumgram.
