Memo: Suggested Hiding Places for the Obamacare Repeal Bill

Come out come out, wherever you are!

ooh, oohh, i know the BEST hiding place!

1. Inside a 68-page booklet entitled “About Your Benefits” that Karen Hansen of Reno, NV, received in the mail after procuring insurance through the Affordable Care Act. (Currently located on her dining room table in a stack of papers she fully intends to file this weekend.)
2. Jammed in between the cushions on the Oval Office sofa. (NB, be sure Kellyanne C. isn’t in that day to disturb them.)
3. In the fork of a large beech tree deep in the woods in Chappaqua, New York.
4. Folded up in the Bible on which Jeff Sessions swore to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
5. Just leave it on Paul Ryan’s desk, but retitle it so that the front page reads, “H.R. 609: To designate the Department of Veterans Affairs health care center in Center Township, Butler County, Pennsylvania, as the ‘Abie Abraham VA Clinic.’”
6. Under a large well-done steak, served in the restaurant at Trump Tower, which tourist and Trump voter Chester McDaniel will order this evening in homage to the 45th president but will find himself unable to finish.
7. On any private email server used exclusively by top Republican officials; Wikileaks will never release those.
8. Down the deep V neckline of Betty Ford’s chartreuse State Dinner dress in the First Ladies exhibit at the Smithsonian.
9. Inside a file marked TOP SECRET: RUSSIAN ELECTION INTERFERENCE, stashed in Mike Pence’s desk drawer.
10. In Sergey Kislyak’s vacant office, while he’s out meeting with administration officials.
11. In the bunny suit Sean Spicer wore during the White House Easter Egg Roll during the George W. Bush administration (now occupying a place of honor in his closet, as a memento, it still smells faintly sweaty).
12. Stuck inside a disused tampon dispenser in the Rayburn House Office Building that hasn’t been properly restocked in decades.
13. In the trunk of Philip Jennings’s now-vintage Camaro, still parked in the onetime Russian agent’s garage in Falls Church, Virginia.
14. In the enormous crevasse that opened recently in the concrete spillway of Oroville Dam (Representative Doug LaMalfa, R-CA 1, can help with placement if this option is selected).
15. Wherever Trump’s staff put his Android for the last few days, preventing him from tweeting. That’s got to be the most secure location in America.

Kate Washington is a writer (essays, food, recipes) and editor. Words in Avidly, Sunset, the Sacramento Bee, McSweeney’s, The Toast, Brain, Child, and more. kawashington.com