Meet the People Competing to Control Your Office Culture
As part of raising Office Morale we’re allowing one lucky employee to dictate Office culture!
It’s been a rough year, all six weeks of it. So as part of raising Office Morale we’re allowing one lucky employee to dictate Office culture! Each of the below candidates are a co-worker you know and tolerate, but in case you work in a fugue state, we’ll let them remind you:
Rise and Grind Ryan
- I’ve shocked the Office by racking up over eighty hours of overtime in the last three months, despite my “early to work, early to play” mentality. I get to the office by seven am every morning (after my dawn yoke) and leave just in time for happy hour. My drunken shouts of “it’s just a joke” haven’t hindered my rise on the Corporate ladder, and I’m going to make my mark on Corporate culture by leading my team to completed projects, sleeplessness, and purchase of the finest lines of coke our bonuses can buy.
Spirited Sally
- As a former sorority recruitment chair, I’ve never forgotten my love of sisterhood. I’m parlaying my passion for people into an HR position, pizza parties, and little tchotkes that make everyone wonder: “is this where my bonus is going?” If I win, each month will have guaranteed theme days with cupcakes that cater to everyone’s dietary restrictions. Don’t worry if you choke, they’re supposed to taste like that!
Ma-laissez faire Mary
- I tried, I really did. For like, three years. I got up, made goals, and tried. Once I realized that Corporate doesn’t care about remote workers like me–you know their motto: “no networking, no gain”–I’m a lot nicer to be around! My campaign stands for more dogs on Zoom and more snacks, which I will purchase when I take off at least an hour early every day.
Does It All Denise
- As a stalwart of the Office, I’ve dominated Company’s culture for over twenty years. I’ve been here since Company was founded, and I promise to constantly remind you that things have changed–not for the better. Corporate doesn’t compensate me for my years of experience, but I don’t mind. I’ll retire with a golden parachute because I know where the files are and where the bodies are buried. Vote for me, or else.
Make sure to cast your vote at the next Town Hall meeting–oops, sorry. Looks like we’re having technical difficulties. The intern who was supposed to distribute the Survey Monkey left for a paying position. Don’t worry, though. We know the real Corporate culture is a constant fear of layoffs, jockeying for the next title bump, and hoarding Company branded gear to forget the (very small) size of your inflation bonus. The beautiful thing about life here at Company is that this will never change. And isn’t stasis what work’s all about?
