Your Father Made His Very Own Father’s Day Gift Guide!

Featuring helpful tips and recommendations from your father.

Cara Michelle Smith
The Belladonna Comedy

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Remember that bike you all bought me in 2009? I hate it.

Gift Idea #1: A pair of tennis shoes I can wear with blue jeans while watching Bloodline with your mother.

Insider tip: Steer clear of DSW for this one — I’m not looking for anything too flashy. All I want is a pair of tennis shoes that look good with blue jeans, cargo shorts, denim shorts, bathing suit shorts and khaki slacks while I’m marinating chicken or trying to remember where I left the iPad.

Dad’s recommendation: New Balance 608v4 Training Shoes for Men (in white)

Cost: $49.97

Gift Idea #2: Would you mind picking up some bacon before dinner? We all know your mother will “forget” to buy some, even though I’ve been really good about portion control lately.

Insider tip: Kirkland Signature Regular Sliced Bacon is always front-and-center in Costco’s deli aisle, but don’t be fooled — one-pound packages of Kirkland Signature Regular Sliced Bacon are only sold in quantities of four, and I don’t need four packs of bacon.

Dad’s recommendation: Hormel Black Label Bacon — Brown Sugar, Thick Cut

Cost: $6.39, or two packs for $11 if you use the coupon I mailed you a few months back. I’m pretty sure it hasn’t expired yet.

This may look and smell like regular bacon, but it’s turkey bacon, and it’ll be immediately thrown away if brought home.

Gift Idea #3: A baseball cap promoting your high school football team.

Insider tip: Whether you played on your high school’s football team is irrelevant. I simply want a baseball cap that was both designed by a guy named Coach T and will age well over its 15- to 30-year lifetime.

Dad’s recommendation: White hat with a forest green brim, please. If the team won a State Championship between 1998 and 2016, I like that notated as a small side logo on the hat.

Cost: Between $25 and $40

Gift Idea #4: One night to myself.

Insider tip: Specifically, I’d appreciate it if your mother would stop crucifying me for taking her to see The Great Wall instead of Fifty Shades Darker back in February just because Hank took Kathleen to see Fifty Shades Darker. It’s not like your mother showed any interest in seeing Fifty Shades Darker before Kathleen saw it, anyways.

Dad’s recommendation: Tell Kathleen to invite your mother over on a Monday night. They’ll get caught up in watching “The Bachelorette,” which will give me ample time to watch Caddyshack and whatever’s on FX at 9 p.m. while munching on the Outback Steakhouse takeout you’ll surprise me with.

Cost: Around $15 and a 15-minute phone call with Kathleen, probably

Gift Idea #5: For someone to explain why everyone’s fawning over your sister’s new boyfriend.

Insider tip: All I’m trying to say is that I doubt Zayden’s psychedelic prog-rock band, Square Horizons, is really as “subversive” and “avant-garde” as your mother seems to think.

Dad’s recommendation: Why didn’t your sister ever try dating Kyle — you know, from the Laherty’s house down the street? He always seemed like a nice enough guy.

Cost: Talking about Zayden, even if it’s only for a few minutes

We all know which one’s Zayden.

Gift Idea #6: A 10-pack of white crew socks that’ll pair well with my New Balance 608v4 Training Shoes for Men.

Insider tip: I suggest you grab these from Kohl’s; it’s the last department store that doesn’t bleed you dry.

Dad’s recommendation: Men’s Tek Gear™ 10-pack of quarter-crew socks

Cost: $9.99. Kohl’s runs a BOGO sale pretty frequently, so I’ll understand if this gift comes late because you wanted to wait until the next Kohl’s BOGO sale.

Gift Idea #7: One — just one — meal where nobody brings up politics.

Insider tip: I’m really proud of you for being so engaged in current events; one of these days, I’d even like you to explain the significance of that pink beanie you’re always wearing on Facebook. Specifically, though, I’d appreciate it if you watched fewer Vox videos and took a break from starting conversations with your latest thoughts on institutional racism.

Dad’s recommendation: I’d be more than happy to discuss the Minnesota Twins’ 2–1 defeat of the Seattle Mariners over grilled hamburgers and baked beans. Additionally, if anyone has any questions about the new shovel I bought at Home Depot last week, I’m happy to answer them.

Cost: Around $40, assuming your sister even shows up for dinner

This isn’t the exact shovel I bought, but it’s a good enough representation for the real thing.

Gift Idea #8: To stay off your smartphone on Father’s Day

Insider tip: It’d be different if I had a Twitter or knew what the Snapchat was, but I don’t, and I’d appreciate you not sharing any photos or poignant notes pertaining to me on your Instagram portal. I don’t understand your generation, nor do I have plans to do so.

Dad’s recommendation: During the day, let’s go to the beach. For that night, I’ve reserved four tickets for the 7:35 p.m. showing of Captain Underpants. Go to the ticket booth and tell the attendant you’re interested in any “special, top-secret deals” the theater’s offering. The attendant will likely roll his or her eyes, lower his or her voice and say, “Who’s your daddy?”

You need only reply with, “My daddy is Phil.” The attendant will provide you with the tickets. If you were to surprise me with these tickets, I’d be elated.

Cost: Around 40 or 50 Instagram likes, give or take

Cara Michelle Smith is a writer and journalist living in Houston. She manages to lead a full life despite her foot’s permanent residence in her mouth. You can harass her on Twitter at @Cara_Smith5.

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Cara Michelle Smith is a comedy writer in Chicago. You can harass her on Twitter at @Cara_Smith5, so long as you do so creatively.