Less Popular Swim Class Levels
Plenty of spots left in Shrimp and Crappie!
Cod
A sensible course for swimmers with high cholesterol.
Flounder
For the non-swimmer.
Shrimp
BYO-EpiPen.
Certified Vegan Tuno
No meat will be consumed during this swim class.
Chub
For those who feel insecure in bathing suits.
Rock Lobster
Taught by the singer of the B-52s. Beehive-covering swim caps provided.
Grunt
You know how tennis players make that noise when they hit the ball? It’s like that but for swimming.
Nudibranch
Bathing suits not required.
Leviathan
Master the Hobbesian stroke in this nasty, brutish, and short swim class.
Crappie
We don’t recommend this one.
Goblin Shark
Come in whatever clothes you’ve been wearing for the last three days and just sort of float around. Snacking allowed.
Betta Fish
A popular starter class held in our tiniest swimming pool.
Conch
Blah blah blah Lord of the Flies blah.
Sponge
Haven’t you heard? Sponge is back, baby! Though fourteen out of every one hundred class participants will become pregnant within a year.
Mullet
Taught by your dad in the 80s!
Sea Cucumber
If you prefer not to move at all and also have anal teeth, this is the class for you.
Barnacle
If you’re less of leader and more of a hanger-on, join us.
Anchovy
Saying you prefer this class to last year’s Pepperoni class doesn’t make you more interesting.
Hallie Pritts is a writer from Pittsburgh. Find her funny stuff in McSweeney’s, The Belladonna, Points in Case, and elsewhere. She’s working on a thriller.
