In Search of a Loving Forever Home: My Exes
Benji, Dill, Tommy, Brian, and Jacob and Jacob’s mom are available immediately.
Benji
Unfortunately I’m no longer able to provide a loving home for Benji, who is a very sweet, loyal, and gentle adult male currently attempting unsuccessfully to pursue comedy. Benji is food-motivated, great with kids, and would love to cuddle up with you on the couch and insist he’s in control of his depression, despite your repeated insistence that his refusing therapy and continuing to unload all his struggles onto you and only you for months on end is not healthy for you, for him, or for the relationship. Available immediately, comes with two copies of Infinite Jest.
Dill
Dill is a playful, loving, twenty-eight year old man who’s about 95% on potty training, despite one minor marking incident when he was drunk and mistook my dresser for a toilet. Not great with kids, and prefers praise to food (unless you’re offering Domino’s after 2am).
Tommy
A change in living situation means I sadly need to rehome Tommy. He’s a very large, playful and protective alpha-identifying male who would do best in a country setting with a nearby adult hockey league. He’s territorial, but as long as you don’t speak with any other men (including immediate family members), you shouldn’t run into too many issues. He might even let you wear one of his thirty-odd oversized sweatshirts from high school/college hockey — they’re smelly, but they’ll make you feel so tiny!
Brian
Brian is a sweet, gentle senior (thirty-eight, divorced) man with plenty of life left to live!!! Brian craves attention, loves cats and lounging on your couch, and would make an excellent companion for the right person. Must have space in your garage for his recumbent bike and vintage radio collection.
Jacob & Suze
Note: this listing is for a bonded pair that must be adopted together.
Jacob and his mom are available immediately, and are willing to relocate anywhere on the Upper East Side between 75th and 88th. Both are Ivy League educated (go Princeton Tigers!), extremely clean/regularly groomed, and will add tons of spark and vintage Ralph Lauren to your life! They do both have gluten intolerances, severe allergies to dust, and a number of anxieties that they address in back-to-back sessions with a psychoanalyst who is inexplicably also a close family friend — but as long as you’re not thinner than her, she’ll treat you like a daughter.
Phoebe Kranefuss is an MFA candidate in Fiction at the University of Wisconsin, Madison. Her work has been published in Breakwater Review, The Rejoinder, Little Old Lady Comedy, Slackjaw, and more. She’s at work on her first novel.
