I’m the $250 You’re About to Blow on Throw Pillows
Let’s think this through a bit.
Hey! It’s me, the $250 you’re about to blow on throw pillows. First, because I feel like I should ask: you good? You’ve been standing in the same spot in this home goods store for 43 minutes now. It’s not that I don’t love that for you. It’s nice here in between the loose oars and the dolphin-shaped bookends. I just feel like you’re about to make an irrational decision.
Look, I love throw pillows just as much as the next person. I’m not saying we should abstain from throw pillows. I’m saying let’s think this through a bit. Your couch is already filled with pillows. I know these ones are softer but — wait these ones are way softer. It would feel so nice to snuggle up against one of these or hold it in your lap like a squishy little pillow baby.
Alright, I see what you’re doing. You’re distracting me. Sure, they’re soft. But just you wait. Go home with these and one day you’ll wake up thinking, “Man. These pillows aren’t as soft as they used to be.” Then you’ll be right back where you are now, alone in the pillow aisle, gently caressing things that have almost certainly been gently caressed by strangers before you.
The point is you’re inevitably going to spill red wine on these, so you should think twice before buying them for thirty-five dollars a pop. Oh great, this just in: the soft one is forty dollars. I’m going to let you in on a secret, you idiot. The sale section.
See? Look at all the nice little pillows over here. Sure, this one is wrapped in a burlap bow and that one is strategically covered in sequins so that when you brush it a certain way it reveals the image of a whale with glasses on. Maybe you don’t want those but there’s gotta be something here that doesn’t scratch the living hell out of your face or scream “Fall, Football, Family!”
You know what, let’s look online. There’s no harm in that. Go on. Get out your phone. Do a little search for “affordable throw pillows.” I’m sure the first result isn’t going to be $26 and shaped like a giant ugly satin daisy.
It is, isn’t it?
Okay, let’s just say, hypothetically, you’re gonna buy a few full-price pillows. You can’t just buy one or two. What would you do? Mix in a couple new hotties with the uggos on your couch at home? Please.
So let’s just say, hypothetically, that you’re gonna replace all of your pillows. I know you’re thinking four pillows is the answer but let’s just consider how ridiculous an even number of pillows would look. Right? And three is like, what’s the point? So five? Are we thinking five pillows? Five pillows could work. But you know what they say, “There should be just enough pillows on the couch so that you have to move some in order to sit down but not so many that people are like, ‘Okay, what’s going on here?’”
Yeah! Fuck it! We’re getting seven pillows! We can swing this. We deserve this. I’d even argue that this is the most practical way to spend your money right now. I mean look at the big picture. Your student loans aren’t going anywhere. You’ll never be able to buy a house. The world is literally burning! You might as well make yourself at home. And, after all, what better way to do that than by paying too much for a simple human comfort and immediately feeling guilty about it afterwards?
Emily is a comedy writer and video producer based in New York City. You can find her on Twitter at @emilydelaney_ and check out some of her other work on Instagram at @cherrybombpics.
