I’m Going Through a Hard Time and Can Only Express Myself Through My Work, Naming Paint Colors for Sherwin-Williams
1. Forlorn Fuchsia
2. We Made Vows Violet
3. Betrayal Blue
4. What Jen Did Was Unconscionably Cruel Cerulean
5. That’s the Same Shade as All the Money Jen Still Owes Me Green
6. You Don’t Divorce Someone in the Middle of a Pandemic Purple
7. I’m Finally Gonna Get an Emotional Support Animal Amethyst
8. On Top of All This Someone Hacked My eBay Account and Ordered 50 Vintage T-Shirts from My Favorite, Now-Defunct Radio Station Silver
9. Call Me Back Jen Jade (This is Also My New eBay Password I’m Storing it Here So I Don’t Forget and Get Hacked Again)
10. Upon Further Review It Seems I May Have Actually Ordered Those Shirts in a Blind Rage and Forgotten Fireball Red
11. Oh God The New Puppy Needs Surgery This is Gonna Bankrupt Me Magenta
12. I Haven’t Prayed in Twenty Years So If I Start Now and My Life Doesn’t Improve I Will Be Infinitely More Ashamed Than I Already Am Amber
13. Dear Lord Hear My Prayer Periwinkle
14. Wow Praying is Embarrassing Ecru
15. Christ This Sucks I Know There Isn’t Even a Color in This One I’m Not Exactly “Looking for Notes” Right Now
16. I Wish I Could Intellectualize My Way Out of the Pain Pink
17. IAN? HER NEW BOYFRIEND’S NAME IS IAN??? Indigo
18. Burnt Sienna
Mary Gulino is an LA-based writer who has written for TV and humor sites Reductress, Points in Case, and more. She’s had glasses since she was two and would love to talk optometry sometime. Find her on Twitter @maryegulino if you want, but no pressure, you probably have more important things to do.
