I’m a YA Novelist & My Side Hustle is Naming Winter Storms
Publishing doesn’t pay as well as it used to!
Maybe you’ve noticed that the names of winter storms have had a little more panache in the past couple of years. What changed, you might be asking? Why do the storm names sound like something you’d hear yelled at the middle school lacrosse game, outside Saint Ann’s School in Brooklyn, or at Shailene Woodley as she saves the world? Simple.
I’m a YA novelist and my side hustle is naming winter storms.
Let’s face it — do you think a meteorologist could come up with hip, androgynous names like Jaxon, Quinn, Riley, and Skylar? Please! Those nerds couldn’t write a best-selling Hunger Games knock-off if their lives depended on it — let alone come up with names like Ursa, Stella, Xavier, and Wyatt.
Did you know that even if you make the New York Times Bestseller list, it might take a loooong time to earn out that huge advance? Funny thing — neither did I. I considered driving an Uber to make ends meet, but there was that vomit incident. (My Prius still smells like Fireball.)
I started brainstorming ways to make money while working from home, and my eye wandered over to the list of names I’d compiled for my latest heroine. Then, I looked at my forearm tattoo, WWSCD (What Would Suzanne Collins Do?), and I came up with the perfect side hustle: storm naming. I picked up the phone and pitched my services to the Weather Channel.
At first, the Weather Channel didn’t get why they needed my help. I initially pitched hurricanes because I couldn’t stand the Baby Boomer names, but the meteorologists weren’t convinced. They argued that Irma, Gert, and Don were perfect for storms that mostly visited Florida over and over again, just like all the snowbirds.
Suddenly, it occurred to me — winter storms! The The Weather Channel had just started naming them a few years before, but the only theme was that the names were all, like, dork central. Some — like Gandolf, Orko, and Khan — sounded like the AV Squad came up with the names. The others were totally classical, like Hercules, Atlas, and Boreas. Snooze-o-rama! I mean, even Rick Riordan did a new twist on mythology for his Percy Jackson series. No one except classics majors — aka, baristas — wants straight-up mythology without a Chosen One in a race to save the world.
Luckily, I convinced those meteorology nerds that YA heroines had a lot in common with these new super-storms. Like Gen Z, these storms are going to have more of an impact than anything that came before and there’s a good chance both will change the world.
Since everyone’s fucked by climate change, why not have fun with it? I told The Weather Channel that if I can’t come up with storm names that sound like characters Zendaya or Rowan Blanchard would play in a film adaptation, I’m not doing my job. I also pointed out that storms named Zandar or Xanto are unpredictable and are likely to destroy your life and your small town — just like the bad boy in a YA love triangle. Even though they didn’t really know what I was talking about, they went for it when I told them data proves that cool storm names make Gen Z and Millennials pay attention to the weather. (I was totally making that up, but anytime you throw “data” into a sentence, they pay attention.)
Sometimes, I visualize the storm and think “Is this more of a Jen Lawrence or Lily Collins type of storm? Ansel Elgort or Josh Hutcherson?” I have to admit, the meteorologists’ excitement about these storms has grown on me as I’ve been naming them.
But even when a storm makes me think of Kristen Stewart, it’s still a better love story than Twilight.
Fiona Taylor is one of The Belladonna editors. She’s from Florida, but it’s not her fault. Follow her on Twitter or the kitten dies.
