I Am the Woman Who Comments “Divine.” On Every Single Internet Recipe
My greatest thrill comes from firing up Internet Explorer on my 2006 MacBook and navigating to one of “The Big Three” recipe sites.
It is early morning and I find myself alone in my beautiful Nancy Meyers-inspired home, sipping decaf matcha in my soft J.Jill cashmere. I am an empty nester, fourth-time divorcée, two-time widower, and one-time accidental grandma. I have lived such a large life, yet the greatest thrill I get is from firing up Internet Explorer on my 2006 MacBook and navigating to one of “The Big Three” recipe sites: The Kitchn, Food 52, or The New York Times Cooking section. Once I’ve loaded the newest recipe on one of those sites, I take a deep, centering breath and scroll to my bliss: the comments section.
It is there in the online comments section where I, a seventy-something-year-old woman, feel truly alive. Everyone knows me as SassyCommenter49 which is the bespoke username I’ve claimed across the top cooking platforms on the internet. Whenever a new recipe catches my eye, there’s only one thing I can do. I press the “Comment” button and write the single word “Divine.” with a big fat punctuation mark at the end.
It doesn’t matter what the food is. It doesn’t matter how well-tested the recipe is. Aspic? Divine. Sheet pan dinners? Divine. Another problematic recipe authored by a white woman? I hate to do it, but I have to: Divine.
I need the other members of the internet to understand that I, a woman rapidly nearing her twilight years, exist. The only way to prove that is to comment as much as I possibly can. To date, I’ve commented on over 4,323 recipes and have accrued over 25,000 “likes” across the big three platforms. None of those sites have made an official comment about me yet, but I can tell they’re clamoring for my unofficial stamp of approval in their own quiet ways.
Everyone wants to know why I chose the word “Divine.” It is the perfect word to describe a dish that looks incredible, but that you know you will never actually make. It is the satisfaction you get when you see the recurring subscription fee for the New York Times Cooking section on your American Express Black card. “Divine” means to be of God. My church is the comments section.
My greatest memories are not from getting married for first through fourth times, or from seeing my sweet grandchild take her first steps. They are from being the first commenter on viral recipes. I’ve been the first to comment on such notable recipes as the baked feta pasta, the quesadilla baked inside a birthday cake, and 145-hour sourdough bread. Now that’s the kind of memory that makes life worth living.
My dirty little secret? I don’t cook. Actually, I did manage to work my way through The Art of French Cooking and by that I mean I watched half of the film Julie & Julia while I was power-walking on my Peloton (I don’t recommend it). After recovering from that exercise-induced injury, I realized that cooking is not what’s important to me. The recipes themselves are all I need.
One time, my comment caught the attention of an internet troll. The troll commented, “This is a recipe for aspic! It’s 2021, who the hell still eats aspic, let alone tries to make it? This is definitely NOT ‘Divine.’” After calling up one of my ex-husbands who used to work in web security, I was able to find out the identity of my troll. It was none other than StevieNicksFan45, a copycat commenter who posts “Yum!” on every recipe.
As soon as I found out it was her, I went through her comment history and wrote “Divine.” under every one of her “Yum!” comments. She was livid. I could tell because she misspelled “Yum!” as “Yam!” on one recipe. This is the ultimate faux pas for a professional commenter. In a lucky turn of events, the chain of comments ended up as an Editor’s Pick. I printed it out, framed it, and hung it on my desk, covering the photos of my grandchild. After this, StevieNicksFan45 and I were able to settle our differences. We now meet weekly to play MahJong at the community center.
Who am I? A woman. Where did I come from? A Chico’s near Connecticut. Where do I live now? A Nordstrom in a gated community in upstate New York. What’s my age? 74 years and 59 days young. How do I stay so youthful? By never reading the news. Why do I spend entire days commenting on online recipes? A woman never tells. Now that’s Divine.
Caroline Cotter is a writer, actor, and improviser based in Los Angeles. Find her on Instagram at @cotterpoop.
