How to Manage the Symptoms of PMS (Possession by Malevolent Spirits)
‘Cause we all know your inner avatar is Lizzo, not Beelzebub the avenging devil of the underworld!
For many women, possession by malevolent spirits is a pesky set of symptoms that shows up in the 1–2 weeks after moving into a dilapidated house in a remote coastal town. For some, the symptoms can be debilitating, causing them to miss work, skip school, or kill their families!
We spoke with demonologist and certified girl boss Sister Catherine to give you the ultimate guide to exorcising your right to feel your best!
Try a hot compress
Feeling crampy? Could be the entity contorting itself to fit your cute little human form. A hot compress will remind the demon of its resting place in hell, which will soothe both it, and your achy tummy!
Dim the lights….
If lights and noise are just feeling like they are doing the absolute most right now, it might be because the spirit is more accustomed to a dark dank environment like a basement, a cave, or the inside of a doll. Treat yourself to a candlelit evening so it feels more at home. When you’ve lit the fifth candle, recite an incantation in Latin to strengthen the demon’s bond to your soul.
Get freaky!
If you’re feeling up to it, sex can sometimes help ease PMS symptoms by transferring the spirit to another host. Your BOO thang can thank you later!
Take a chill pill
A lot of people with PMS report having trouble with sleep. “If you’re waking up not feeling rested, or find muddy footprints leading from your bed to the knife drawer in your kitchen, you may be being used as a meat puppet to kill innocents,” says Sister Catharine. Save your soul and those new Brooklinen sheets by brewing some chamomile tea, and also chaining yourself to your bed.
Stretch it out
A common symptom of PMS is muscle fatigue and soreness as a result of the ghoul twisting your body around like a damn crab. Just scuttling up and down the halls upside down all fast and weird, no regard for the fact that you haven’t stretched since 6th grade gym. It’s important to stretch in advance so you don’t tear all your ligaments when your head whips around 360 degrees and your back snaps in half like a little gymnast boy.
Eat up!
Maintaining a diet high in iron, B12, and folic acid can satiate the demon’s desire for human flesh, making the symptoms of PMS less severe. Doctors recommend salmon, spinach, and human flesh.
We don’t know what causes PMS, but we know that it can be worsened by spiritual weakness, sin, and cigarettes. We hope this guide helps, cus we all know your inner avatar is Lizzo, not Beelzebub the avenging devil of the underworld!
Matilda Epstein is a standup comedian and writer based in New York. She has a masters in health policy but also a Juul, because women are complex. You can find her on Twitter at @tildawhirl or at matildaepsteincomedy.com.
