How to Make Friends as an American Expat in France: Probably Don’t Do This

Try to avoid succumbing to the speaking-in-your-second-language sweats.

Photo by cottonbro studio: https://www.pexels.com/photo/man-in-green-crew-neck-t-shirt-sitting-beside-woman-in-black-tank-top-5019013/

1. If you end up at a party in a cramped top-floor apartment in a neighborhood that Fox News once deemed a “no-go zone” in Paris, do not look around and say to the hostess, “Oh, is it weird living here? Like, do you feel safe?”
2. When a new person arrives, and they expect you to greet them with the double bise, this does NOT mean kissing their actual cheek, just so you’re aware. Definitely not speaking from personal experience or anything.
3. If a Frenchwoman leans off a tiny balcony for a cigarette break while swearing she is “trying to quit,” maybe don’t awkwardly laugh and say, “No time like the present!” She does not want to quit. You will soon learn that this is just something people say.
4. Perhaps a curly-haired, bespectacled Frenchman is kind enough to engage you in polite banter. Try to avoid succumbing to the speaking-in-your-second-language sweats. Though your French is pretty serviceable, the random beads of sweat rolling down your arms discredit you. Despite your unbecoming perspiration, the Frenchman will humor you and keep the conversation going. This is because his actual friends have not arrived yet — friends who know how to maintain standard amounts of body sweat while holding a conversation in French. Someday, you too can learn this skill, perhaps after several years.
5. At some point, a tall, elegant, bored-looking Frenchwoman may sidle up to the two of you and ask this bespectacled Frenchman how his flute recital went last weekend. You should absolutely not smile your brightest American smile at her, despite your inclination. She, a human you have never met, finds your completely uncalled-for smiling suspicious and will now treat you as the lunatic you are.
6. Avoid awkwardly praising this Frenchman’s apparent flute abilities when you very obviously have nothing to contribute to the conversation. “That’s very, very cool,” you might be tempted to say, your words coming out like a preschool teacher congratulating a toddler. “I play a bit of music myself. Guitar and piano.”
7. If you do end up bringing up your amateur music hobby, he might ask you if you play with any groups. When you admit to playing with mainly your dad and brother at family weddings, you definitely should not be surprised when he changes the subject. Family jam bands are evidently not very, very cool.
8. After the conversation has been flowing (just barely hanging on) between the three of you for what seems like a good half hour (four minutes), do not, under any circumstances, ask the Frenchman, “So anyways, what do you do for work?” This is it: the kiss of death, the absolute dumbest thing you could say.
9. When he stares at you blankly and curtly replies, “I play the flute,” you should not laugh, even though you really, really want to. He plays the flute. Of course he plays the flute. What else would this bespectacled Frenchman be doing? Why on earth would he have a regular person job?
10. If the Frenchwoman looks around, sighs, miraculously pushes forward, and asks, “And where in the U.S. are you from?”, you 1000% should not panic respond, “New York,” if you are not, in fact, from New York. You most likely think this will win you points with the Frenchies, which it most certainly would if it were in any way true.
11. The Frenchman might say, “Ah, trop cool, where in New York? I visited my friend in Brooklyn; I love it.” In this situation, you definitely should not immediately come clean. It would be much better to commit to the lie, as you’re clearly not going to become besties with these folks.
12. Despite my advice, you may quickly reveal, “Uh, actually, I’m from Maryland; I don’t know why I said that,” to which the Frenchwoman replies, “Oh, okay.” You should not say anything else — not another word. You should now find a way to melt into the floor and your clothes like Obi-Wan Kenobi in A New Hope. You have disappointed them. You have disappointed everyone at the party, including yourself. There is little time to redeem this conversation. Go home, go to bed, and try again tomorrow.

Kat Garcia is a product designer by day and a comedy writer by night, living in Paris, France. She can usually be found admiring her cat, whose favorite hobby is being admired. Find her on Twitter @katerinaigarcia.